Lincoln's Yarns and Stories

Index
PREFACE.
LINCOLN’S NAME AROUSES AN AUDIENCE
LINCOLN AND McCLURE.
“ABE” LINCOLN’S YARNS AND STORIES.
LINCOLN ASKED TO BE SHOT.
TIME LOST DIDN’T COUNT.
NO VICES, NO VIRTUES.
LINCOLN’S DUES.
“DONE WITH THE BIBLE.”
HIS KNOWLEDGE OF HUMAN NATURE.
A MISCHIEVOUS OX.
THE PRESIDENTIAL “CHIN-FLY.”
‘SQUIRE BAGLY’S PRECEDENT.
HE’D NEED HIS GUN.
KEPT UP THE ARGUMENT.
EQUINE INGRATITUDE.
‘TWAS “MOVING DAY.”
“ABE’S” HAIR NEEDED COMBING.
WOULD “TAKE TO THE WOODS.”
LINCOLN CARRIED HER TRUNK.
BOAT HAD TO STOP.
MCCLELLAN’S “SPECIAL TALENT.”
HOW “JAKE” GOT AWAY.
MORE LIGHT AND LESS NOISE.
ONE BULLET AND A HATFUL.
LINCOLN’S STORY TO PEACE COMMISSIONERS.
“ABE” GOT THE WORST OF IT.
IT DEPENDED UPON HIS CONDITION.
“GOT DOWN TO THE RAISINS.”
“HONEST ABE” SWALLOWS HIS ENEMIES.
SAVING HIS WIND.
RIGHT FOR, ONCE, ANYHOW.
“PITY THE POOR ORPHAN.”
A LOW-DOWN TRICK.
END FOR END.
LET SIX SKUNKS GO.
HOW HE GOT BLACKSTONE.
A JOB FOR THE NEW CABINETMAKER.
“I CAN STAND IT IF THEY CAN.”
LINCOLN MISTAKEN FOR ONCE.
FORGOT EVERYTHING HE KNEW.
HE LOVED A GOOD STORY.
HEELS RAN AWAY WITH THEM.
WANTED TO BURN HIM DOWN TO THE STUMP.
HAD A “KICK” COMING.
THE CASE OF BETSY ANN DOUGHERTY.
HAD TO WEAR A WOODEN SWORD.
“ABE” STIRRING THE “BLACK” COALS.
GETTING RID OF AN ELEPHANT.
GROTESQUE, YET FRIGHTFUL.
“ABE” WAS NO DUDE.
CHARACTERISTIC OF LINCOLN.
“PLOUGH ALL ‘ROUND HIM.”
“I’VE LOST MY APPLE.”
LOST HIS CERTIFICATE OF CHARACTER.
NOTE PRESENTED FOR PAYMENT.
DOG WAS A “LEETLE BIT AHEAD.”
“ABE’S” FIGHT WITH NEGROES.
NOISE LIKE A TURNIP.
WARDING OFF GOD’S VENGEANCE.
JEFF DAVIS AND CHARLES THE FIRST.
LOVED SOLDIERS’ HUMOR.
BAD TIME FOR A BARBECUE.
HE’D SEE IT AGAIN.
CALL ANOTHER WITNESS.
A CONTEST WITH LITTLE “TAD.”
REMINDED HIM OF “A LITTLE STORY.”
“FETCHED SEVERAL SHORT ONES.”
LINCOLN LUGS THE OLD MAN.
McCLELLAN WAS “INTRENCHING.”
MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT, ANYWAY.
VICIOUS OXEN HAVE SHORT HORNS.
LINCOLN’S NAME FOR “WEEPING WATER.”
LINCOLN’S NAME FOR “WEEPING WATER.”
NO DEATHS IN HIS HOUSE.
PAINTED HIS PRINCIPLES.
DIGNIFYING THE STATUTE.
LINCOLN CAMPAIGN MOTTOES.
GIVING AWAY THE CASE.
POSING WITH A BROOMSTICK.
“BOTH LENGTH AND BREADTH.”
“ABE” RECITES A SONG.
“MANAGE TO KEEP HOUSE.”
GRANT “TUMBLED” RIGHT AWAY.
“DON’T KILL HIM WITH YOUR FIST.”
COULD BE ARBITRARY.
A GENERAL BUSTIFICATION.
MAKING QUARTERMASTERS.
NO POSTMASTERS IN HIS POCKET.
HE “SKEWED” THE LINE.
“WHEREAS,” HE STOLE NOTHING.
NOT LIKE THE POPE’S BULL.
COULD HE TELL?
DARNED UNCOMFORTABLE SITTING.
“WHAT’S-HIS-NAME” GOT THERE.
A REALLY GREAT GENERAL.
“SHRUNK UP NORTH.”
LINCOLN ADOPTED THE SUGGESTION.
SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE.
TOO MANY PIGS FOR THE TEATS.
TOO MANY PIGS FOR THE TEATS.
THE LAST TIME HE SAW DOUGLAS.
HURT HIS LEGS LESS.
A LITTLE SHY OR GRAMMAR.
HIS FIRST SATIRICAL WRITING.
LIKELY TO DO IT.
“THE ENEMY ARE ‘OURN’”
“AND—HERE I AM!”
SAFE AS LONG AS THEY WERE GOOD.
“SMELT NO ROYALTY IN OUR CARRIAGE.”
HELL A MILE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
HIS “GLASS HACK”
LEAVE HIM KICKING.
“WHO COMMENCED THIS FUSS?”
“ABE’S” LITTLE JOKE.
WHAT SUMMER THOUGHT.
A USELESS DOG.
ORIGIN OF THE “INFLUENCE” STORY.
FELT SORRY FOR BOTH.
WHERE DID IT COME FROM?
“LONG ABE” FOUR YEARS LONGER.
“ALL SICKER’N YOUR MAN.”
EASIER TO EMPTY THE POTOMAC.
HE WANTED A STEADY HAND.
LINCOLN SAW STANTON ABOUT IT.
MRS. LINCOLN’S SURPRISE.
MENACE TO THE GOVERNMENT.
TROOPS COULDN’T FLY OVER IT.
PAT WAS “FORNINST THE GOVERNMENT.”
“CAN’T SPARE THIS MAN.”
HIS TEETH CHATTERED.
“AARON GOT HIS COMMISSION.”
LINCOLN AND THE MINISTERS.
HARDTACK BETTER THAN GENERALS.
GOT THE PREACHER.
BIG JOKE ON HALLECK.
STORIES BETTER THAN DOCTORS.
SHORT, BUT EXCITING.
MR. BULL DIDN’T GET HIS COTTON.
STICK TO AMERICAN PRINCIPLES.
USED “RUDE TACT.”
“ABE” ON A WOODPILE.
TAKING DOWN A DANDY.
WHEN OLD ABE GOT MAD.
WANTED TO “BORROW” THE ARMY.
YOUNG “SUCKER” VISITORS.
“AND YOU DON’T WEAR HOOPSKIRTS.”
LIEUTENANT TAD LINCOLN’S SENTINELS.
DOUGLAS HELD LINCOLN’S HAT.
THE DEAD MAN SPOKE.
MILITARY SNAILS NOT SPEEDY.
OUTRAN THE JACK-RABBIT.
“FOOLING” THE PEOPLE.
“ABE, YOU CAN’T PLAY THAT ON ME.”
HIS “BROAD” STORIES.
SORRY FOR THE HORSES.
MILD REBUKE TO A DOCTOR.
COLD MOLASSES WAS SWIFTER.
LINCOLN CALLS MEDILL A COWARD.
THEY DIDN’T BUILD IT.
STANTON’S ABUSE OF LINCOLN.
THE NEGRO AND THE CROCODILE.
LINCOLN WAS READY TO FIGHT.
IT WAS UP-HILL WORK.
LEE’S SLIM ANIMAL.
“MRS. NORTH AND HER ATTORNEY.”
SATISFACTION TO THE SOUL.
WITHDREW THE COLT.
“TAD” GOT HIS DOLLAR.
TELLS AN EDITOR ABOUT NASBY.
LONG AND SHORT OF IT.
MORE PEGS THAN HOLES.
“WEBSTER COULDN’T HAVE DONE MORE.”
LINCOLN MET CLAY.
REMINDED “ABE” OF A LITTLE JOKE.
HIS DIGNITY SAVED HIM.
THE MAN HE WAS LOOKING FOR
HIS CABINET CHANCES POOR.
THE GENERAL WAS “HEADED IN”
SUGAR-COATED.
COULD MAKE “RABBIT-TRACKS.”
LINCOLN PROTECTED CURRENCY ISSUES.
LINCOLN’S APOLOGY TO GRANT.
LINCOLN SAID “BY JING.”
IT TICKLED THE LITTLE WOMAN.
“SHALL ALL FALL TOGETHER.”
DEAD DOG NO CURE.
“THOROUGH” IS A GOOD WORD.
THE CABINET WAS A-SETTIN’.
A BULLET THROUGH HIS HAT.
NO KIND TO GET TO HEAVEN ON.
THE ONLY REAL PEACEMAKER.
THE APPLE WOMAN’S PASS.
SPLIT RAILS BY THE YARD.
THE QUESTION OF LEGS.
TOO MANY WIDOWS ALREADY.
GOD NEEDED THAT CHURCH.
THE MAN DOWN SOUTH.
COULDN’T LET GO THE HOG.
THE CABINET LINCOLN WANTED.
READY FOR “BUTCHER-DAY.”
“THE BAD BIRD AND THE MUDSILL.”
GAVE THE SOLDIER HIS FISH.
A PECULIAR LAWYER.
IF THEY’D ONLY “SKIP.”
FATHER OF THE “GREENBACK.”
MAJOR ANDERSON’S BAD MEMORY.
NO VANDERBILT.
SQUASHED A BRUTAL LIE.
“ONE WAR AT A TIME.”
PRESIDENT LINCOLN’S LAST PUBLIC ADDRESS.
NO OTHERS LIKE THEM.
CASH WAS AT HAND.
WELCOMED THE LITTLE GIRLS.
“DON’T SWAP HORSES”
MOST VALUABLE POLITICAL ATTRIBUTE.
“ABE” RESENTED THE INSULT.
ONE MAN ISN’T MISSED.
“STRETCHED THE FACTS.”
IT LENGTHENED THE WAR.
HIS THEORY OF THE REBELLION.
RAN AWAY WHEN VICTORIOUS.
WANTED STANTON SPANKED.
STANTON WAS OUT OF TOWN.
IDENTIFIED THE COLORED MAN.
OFFICE SEEKERS WORSE THAN WAR.
HE “SET ‘EM UP.”
WASN’T STANTON’S SAY.
“JEFFY” THREW UP THE SPONGE.
DIDN’T KNOW GRANT’S PREFERENCE.
JUSTICE vs. NUMBERS.
NO FALSE PRIDE IN LINCOLN.
EXTRA MEMBER OF THE CABINET.
HOW LINCOLN WAS ABUSED.
HOW “FIGHTING JOE” WAS APPOINTED.
KEPT HIS COURAGE UP.
A FORTUNE-TELLER’S PREDICTION.
TOO MUCH POWDER.
SLEEP STANDING UP.
SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT ANOTHER BATTLE.
LINCOLN UPBRAIDED LAMON.
MARKED OUT A FEW WORDS.
LINCOLN SILENCES SEWARD.
BROUGHT THE HUSBAND UP.
NO WAR WITHOUT BLOOD-LETTING.
LINCOLN’S TWO DIFFICULTIES.
WHITE ELEPHANT ON HIS HANDS.
WHEN LINCOLN AND GRANT CLASHED.
WON JAMES GORDON BENNETT’S SUPPORT.
STOOD BY THE “SILENT MAN.”
A VERY BRAINY NUBBIN.
SENT TO HIS “FRIENDS.”
GO DOWN WITH COLORS FLYING.
ALL WERE TRAGEDIES.
“HE’S THE BEST OF US.”
HOW LINCOLN “COMPOSED.”
HAMLIN MIGHT DO IT.
THE GUN SHOT BETTER.
LENIENT WITH McCLELLAN.
DIDN’T WANT A MILITARY REPUTATION.
“SURRENDER NO SLAVE.”
CONSCRIPTING DEAD MEN.
LINCOLN’S REJECTED MANUSCRIPT.
LINCOLN AS A STORY WRITER.
LINCOLN AS A STORY WRITER.
PRESIDENT NOMINATED FIRST.
“THEM GILLITEENS.”
“CONSIDER THE SYMPATHY OF LINCOLN.”
SAVED A LIFE.
LINCOLN PLAYED BALL.
HIS PASSES TO RICHMOND NOT HONORED.
“PUBLIC HANGMAN” FOR THE UNITED STATES.
FEW, BUT BOISTEROUS.
KEEP PEGGING AWAY.
BEWARE OF THE TAIL.
“LINCOLN’S DREAM.”
THERE WAS NO NEED OF A STORY.
LINCOLN A MAN OF SIMPLE HABITS.
HIS LAST SPEECH.
FORGOT EVERYTHING HE KNEW BEFORE.
LINCOLN BELIEVED IN EDUCATION.
LINCOLN ON THE DRED SCOTT DECISION.
LINCOLN MADE MANY NOTABLE SPEECHES.
WHAT AILED THE BOYS.
TAD’S CONFEDERATE FLAG.
CALLED BLESSINGS ON THE AMERICAN WOMEN.
LINCOLN’S “ORDER NO. 252.”
TALKED TO THE NEGROES OF RICHMOND.
“ABE” ADDED A SAVING CLAUSE.
HOW “JACK” WAS “DONE UP.”
ANGELS COULDN’T SWEAR IT RIGHT.
“MUST GO, AND GO TO STAY.”
LINCOLN WASN’T BUYING NOMINATIONS.
HE ENVIED THE SOLDIER AT THE FRONT.
DON’T TRUST TOO FAR
HE’D “RISK THE DICTATORSHIP.”
“MAJOR GENERAL, I RECKON.”
WOULD SEE THE TRACKS.
“ABE” GAVE HER A “SURE TIP.”
THE PRESIDENT HAD KNOWLEDGE OF HIM.
ONLY HALF A MAN.
GRANT CONGRATULATED LINCOLN.
“BRUTUS AND CAESAR.”
HOW STANTON GOT INTO THE CABINET.
“ABE” LIKE HIS FATHER.
“NO MOON AT ALL.”
“ABE” A SUPERB MIMIC.
WHY HE WAS CALLED “HONEST ABE.”
“ABE’S” NAME REMAINED ON THE SIGN.
VERY HOMELY AT FIRST SIGHT.
THE MAN TO TRUST.
“WUZ GOIN’ TER BE ‘HITCHED.”’
HE PROPOSED TO SAVE THE UNION.
THE SAME OLD RUM.
SAVED LINCOLN’S LIFE
WOULD NOT RECALL A SINGLE WORD.
OLD BROOM BEST AFTER ALL.
GOD WITH A LITTLE “g.”
“ABE’S” LOG.
IT WAS A FINE FIZZLE.
A TEETOTALER.
NOT TO “OPEN SHOP” THERE.
WE HAVE LIBERTY OF ALL KINDS.
TOM CORWINS’S LATEST STORY.
“CATCH ‘EM AND CHEAT ‘EM.”
A JURYMAN’S SCORN.
HE “BROKE” TO WIN.
WANTED HER CHILDREN BACK.
SIX FEET FOUR AT SEVENTEEN.
HAD RESPECT FOR THE EGGS.
HOW WAS THE MILK UPSET?
“PULLED FODDER” FOR A BOOK.
PRAISES HIS RIVAL FOR OFFICE.
ONE THING “ABE” DIDN’T LOVE.
THE MODESTY OF GENIUS.
WHY SHE MARRIED HIM.
NIAGARA FALLS.
MADE IT HOT FOR LINCOLN.
WOULDN’T HOLD TITLE AGAINST HIM.
ONLY ONE LIFE TO LIVE.
COULDN’T LOCATE HIS BIRTHPLACE.
“SAMBO” WAS “AFEARED.”
WHEN MONEY MIGHT BE USED.
“ABE” WAS NO BEAUTY.
“HE’S JUST BEAUTIFUL.”
BIG ENOUGH HOG FOR HIM.
BIG ENOUGH HOG FOR HIM.
THEY UNDERSTOOD EACH OTHER.
FEW FENCE RAILS LEFT.
THE “GREAT SNOW” OF 1830-31.
CREDITOR PAID DEBTORS DEBT.
HELPED OUT THE SOLDIERS.
EVERY FELLOW FOR HIMSELF.
“BUTCHER-KNIFE BOYS” AT THE POLLS.
NO “SECOND COMING” FOR SPRINGFIELD.
HOW HE WON A FRIEND.
NEVER SUED A CLIENT.
THE LINCOLN HOUSEHOLD GOODS.
RUNNING THE MACHINE.
WAS “BOSS” WHEN NECESSARY.
“RATHER STARVE THAN SWINDLE.”
DON’T AIM TOO HIGH.
NOT MUCH AT RAIL-SPLITTING.
GAVE THE SOLDIER THE PREFERENCE.
THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT SCARED.
JEFF. DAVIS’ REPLY TO LINCOLN.
LINCOLN WAS a GENTLEMAN.
HIS POOR RELATIONS.
DESERTER’S SINS WASHED OUT IN BLOOD.
SURE CURE FOR BOILS.
PAY FOR EVERYTHING.
BASHFUL WITH LADIES.
SAW HUMOR IN EVERYTHING.
SPECIFIC FOR FOREIGN “RASH.”
FAVORED THE OTHER SIDE.
LINCOLN AND THE “SHOW”
“MIXING” AND “MINGLING.”
TOOK PART OF THE BLAME.
THOUGHT OF LEARNING A TRADE.
LINCOLN DEFENDS FIFTEEN MRS. NATIONS.
AVOIDED EVEN APPEARANCE OF EVIL
WAR DIDN’T ADMIT OF HOLIDAYS.
“NEUTRALITY.”
DAYS OF GLADNESS PAST.
WOULDN’T TAKE THE MONEY.
GRANT HELD ON ALL THE TIME.
CHEWED THE CUD IN SOLITUDE.
“ABE’S” YANKEE INGENUITY.
LINCOLN PAID HOMAGE TO WASHINGTON.
STIRRED EVEN THE REPORTERS.
WHEN “ABE” CAME IN.
ETERNAL FIDELITY TO THE CAUSE OF LIBERTY.
“ABE’S” “DEFALCATIONS.”
HE WASN’T GUILELESS.
SWEET, BUT MILD REVENGE.
DIDN’T TRUST THE COURT.
HANDSOMEST MAN ON EARTH.
THAT COON CAME DOWN.
WROTE “PIECES” WHEN VERY YOUNG.
“TRY TO STEER HER THROUGH.”
GRAND, GLOOMY AND PECULIAR.
ON THE WAY TO GETTYSBURG.
STOOD UP THE LONGEST.
A MORTIFYING EXPERIENCE.
NO HALFWAY BUSINESS.
DISCOURAGED LITIGATION.
GOING HOME TO GET READY.
“THE ‘RAIL-SPUTTER’ REPAIRING THE UNION.”
“FIND OUT FOR YOURSELVES.”
ROUGH ON THE NEGRO.
CHALLENGED ALL COMERS.
“GOVERNMENT RESTS IN PUBLIC OPINION.”
HURRY MIGHT MAKE TROUBLE.
SAW HIMSELF DEAD.
EVERY LITTLE HELPED.
ABOUT TO LAY DOWN THE BURDEN.
LINCOLN WOULD HAVE PREFERRED DEATH.
“PUNCH” AND HIS LITTLE PICTURE.
FASCINATED By THE WONDERFUL
“WHY DON’T THEY COME!”
GRANT’S BRAND OF WHISKEY.
HIS FINANCIAL STANDING.
THE DANDY AND THE BOYS.
“SOME UGLY OLD LAWYER.”
GOOD MEMORY OF NAMES.
SETTLED OUT OF COURT.
THE FIVE POINTS SUNDAY SCHOOL.
SENTINEL OBEYED ORDERS.
WHY LINCOLN GROWED WHISKERS.
LINCOLN AS A DANCER.
SIMPLY PRACTICAL HUMANITY.
HAPPY FIGURES OF SPEECH.
A FEW “RHYTHMIC SHOTS.”
OLD MAN GLENN’S RELIGION.
LAST ACTS OF MERCY.
JUST LIKE SEWARD.
A CHEERFUL PROSPECT.
THOUGHT GOD WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM.
LINCOLN AND A BIBLE HERO.
BOY WAS CARED FOR.
THE JURY ACQUITTED HIM
TOOK NOTHING BUT MONEY.
NAUGHTY BOY HAD TO TAKE HIS MEDICINE.
WOULD BLOW THEM TO H—-.
“YANKEE” GOODNESS OF HEART.
WALKED AS HE TALKED.
THE SONG DID THE BUSINESS.
A “FREE FOR ALL.”
THREE INFERNAL BORES.
LINCOLN’S MEN WERE “HUSTLERS.”
A SLOW HORSE.
DODGING “BROWSING PRESIDENTS.”
A GREENBACK LEGEND.
GOD’S BEST GIFT TO MAN.
SCALPING IN THE BLACK HAWK WAR.
MATRIMONIAL ADVICE.
OWED LOTS OF MONEY.
“ON THE LORD’S SIDE.”
WANTED TO BE NEAR “ABE.”
GOT HIS FOOT IN IT.
SAVED BY A LETTER.
HIS FAVORITE POEM.
FIVE-LEGGED CALF.
A STAGE-COACH STORY.
THE “400” GATHERED THERE.
ONLY LEVEL-HEADED MEN WANTED.
HIS FAITH IN THE MONITOR.
HER ONLY IMPERFECTION.
THE OLD LADY’S PROPHECY.
HOW THE TOWN OF LINCOLN, ILL., WAS NAMED.
“OLD JEFF’S” BIG NIGHTMARE.
LINCOLN’S LAST OFFICIAL ACT.
THE LAD NEEDED THE SLEEP.
“MASSA LINKUM LIKE DE LORD!”
HOW LINCOLN TOOK THE NEWS.
PROFANITY AS A SAFETY-VALVE.
WHY WE WON AT GETTYSBURG.
HAD TO WAIT FOR HIM.
PRESIDENT AND CABINET JOINED IN PRAYER.
BELIEVED HE WAS A CHRISTIAN.
WITH THE HELP OF GOD.
TURNED TEARS TO SMILES.
LINCOLN’S LAST WRITTEN WORDS.
WOMEN PLEAD FOR PARDONS.
LINCOLN WISHED TO SEE RICHMOND.
SPOKEN LIKE A CHRISTIAN.
SPOKEN LIKE A CHRISTIAN.
HAD CONFIDENCE IN HIM—“BUT—.”
HOW HOMINY WAS ORIGINATED.
HIS IDEA’S OLD, AFTER ALL.
LINCOLN’S FIRST SPEECH.
“ABE WANTED NO SNEAKIN’ ‘ROUND.”
DIDN’T EVEN NEED STILTS.
“HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF THIS PLACE?”
“TAD” INTRODUCES “OUR FRIENDS.”
MIXED UP WORSE THAN BEFORE.
“LONG ABE’S” FEET “PROTRUDED OVER.”
COULD LICK ANY MAN IN THE CROWD.
HIS WAY TO A CHILD’S HEART.
“LEFT IT THE WOMEN TO HOWL ABOUT ME.”

PREFACE.

LINCOLN’S NAME AROUSES AN AUDIENCE

LINCOLN AND McCLURE.

LINCOLN ASKED TO BE SHOT.

TIME LOST DIDN’T COUNT.

NO VICES, NO VIRTUES.

LINCOLN’S DUES.

“DONE WITH THE BIBLE.”

HIS KNOWLEDGE OF HUMAN NATURE.

A MISCHIEVOUS OX.

THE PRESIDENTIAL “CHIN-FLY.”

‘SQUIRE BAGLY’S PRECEDENT.