Complete Poetical Works

THE SOCIETY UPON THE STANISLAUS

     I reside at Table Mountain, and my name is Truthful James;
     I am not up to small deceit or any sinful games;
     And I'll tell in simple language what I know about the row
     That broke up our Society upon the Stanislow.

     But first I would remark, that it is not a proper plan
     For any scientific gent to whale his fellow-man,
     And, if a member don't agree with his peculiar whim,
     To lay for that same member for to "put a head" on him.

     Now nothing could be finer or more beautiful to see
     Than the first six months' proceedings of that same Society,
     Till Brown of Calaveras brought a lot of fossil bones
     That he found within a tunnel near the tenement of Jones.

     Then Brown he read a paper, and he reconstructed there,
     From those same bones, an animal that was extremely rare;
     And Jones then asked the Chair for a suspension of the rules,
     Till he could prove that those same bones was one of his lost mules.

     Then Brown he smiled a bitter smile, and said he was at fault,
     It seemed he had been trespassing on Jones's family vault;
     He was a most sarcastic man, this quiet Mr. Brown,
     And on several occasions he had cleaned out the town.

     Now I hold it is not decent for a scientific gent
     To say another is an ass,—at least, to all intent;
     Nor should the individual who happens to be meant
     Reply by heaving rocks at him, to any great extent.

     Then Abner Dean of Angel's raised a point of order, when
     A chunk of old red sandstone took him in the abdomen,
     And he smiled a kind of sickly smile, and curled up on the floor,
     And the subsequent proceedings interested him no more.

     For, in less time than I write it, every member did engage
     In a warfare with the remnants of a palaeozoic age;
     And the way they heaved those fossils in their anger was a sin,
     Till the skull of an old mammoth caved the head of Thompson in.

     And this is all I have to say of these improper games,
     For I live at Table Mountain, and my name is Truthful James;
     And I've told in simple language what I know about the row
     That broke up our Society upon the Stanislow.