DIRECTIONS.
This book is not designed specially for any one class of people. It is for
all. It is a universal repository of thought. Some of my best thoughts are
contained in this book. Whenever I would think a thought that I thought
had better remain unthought, I would omit it from this book. For that
reason the book is not so large as I had intended. When a man coldly and
dispassionately goes at it to eradicate from his work all that may not
come up to his standard of merit, he can make a large volume shrink till
it is no thicker than the bank book of an outspoken clergyman.
This is the fourth book that I have published in response to the clamorous
appeals of the public. Whenever the public got to clamoring too loudly for
a new book from me and it got so noisy that I could not ignore it any
more, I would issue another volume. The first was a red book, succeeded by
a dark blue volume, after which I published a green book, all of which
were kindly received by the American people, and, under the present
yielding system of international copyright, greedily snapped up by some of
the tottering dynasties.
But I had long hoped to publish a larger, better and, if possible, a
redder book than the first; one that would contain my better thoughts,
thoughts that I had thought when I was feeling well; thoughts that I had
emitted while my thinker was rearing up on its hind feet, if I may be
allowed that term; thoughts that sprang forth with a wild whoop and
demanded recognition.
This book is the result of that hope and that wish. It is my greatest and
best book. It is the one that will live for weeks after other books have
passed away. Even to those who cannot read, it will come like a benison
when there is no benison in the house. To the ignorant, the pictures will
be pleasing. The wise will revel in its wisdom, and the housekeeper will
find that with it she may easily emphasize a statement or kill a
cockroach.
The range of subjects treated in this book is wonderful, even to me. It is
a library of universal knowledge, and the facts contained in it are
different from any other facts now in use. I have carefully guarded, all
the way through, against using hackneyed and moth-eaten facts. As a
result, I am able to come before the people with a set of new and
attractive statements, so fresh and so crisp that an unkind word would
wither them in a moment.
I believe there is nothing more to add, except that I most heartily
endorse the book. It has been carefully read over by the proof-reader and
myself, so we do not ask the public to do anything that we were not
willing to do ourselves.
I cannot be responsible for the board of orphans whose parents read this
book and leave their children in destitute circumstances.
Bill Nye
CONTENTS
DIRECTIONS.
ALPHABETIZED CONTENTS
My School Days.
Recollections of Noah Webster.
To Her Majesty.
Habits of a Literary Man.
A Father's Letter.
Archimedes.
To the President-Elect.
Anatomy.
Mr. Sweeney's Cat.
The Heyday of Life.
They Fell.
Second Letter to the President.
Milling in Pompeii.
Broncho Sam.
How Evolution Evolves.
Hours With Great Men.
Concerning Coroners.
Down East Rum.
Railway Etiquette.
B. Franklin, Deceased.
Life Insurance as a Health Restorer.
The Opium Habit.
More Paternal Correspondence.
Twombley's Tale.
On Cyclones.
The Arabian Language.
Verona.
A Great Upheaval.
The Weeping Woman.
The Crops.
Literary Freaks.
A Father's Advice to His Son.
Eccentricity in Lunch.
Insomnia in Domestic Animals.
Along Lake Superior.
I Tried Milling.
Our Forefathers.
In Acknowledgement.
Preventing a Scandal.
About Portraits.
The Old South.
Knights of the Pen.
The Wild Cow.
Spinal Meningitis.
Skimming the Milky Way.
A Thrilling Experience.
Catching a Buffalo.
John Adams.
The Wail Of A Wife.
Bunker Hill.
A Lumber Camp.
My Lecture Abroad.
The Miner at Home.
An Operatic Entertainment.
Dogs and Dog Days.
Christopher Columbus.
Accepting the Laramie Postoffice.
A Journalistic Tenderfoot.
The Amateur Carpenter.
The Average Hen.
Woodtick William's Story.
In Washington.
My Experience as an Agriculturist.
A New Autograph Album.
A Resign.
My Mine.
Mush and Melody.
The Blase Young Man.
History of Babylon.
Lovely Horrors.
The Bite of a Mad Dog.
Arnold Winkelreid.
Murray and the Mormons.
About Geology.
A Wallula Night.
Flying Machines.
Asking for a Pass.
Words About Washington.
The Board of Trade.
The Cow-Boy.
Stirring Incidents at a Fire.
The Little Barefoot Boy.
Favored a Higher Fine.
“I Spy.”
Mark Anthony.
Man Overbored.
“Done It A-Purpose.”
Picnic Incidents.
Nero.
Squaw Jim.
Squaw Jim's Religion.
One Kind of Fool.
John Adams' Diary.
John Adams' Diary.
John Adams' Diary
“Heap Brain.”
The Approaching Humorist.
What We Eat.
Care of House Plants.
A Peaceable Man.
Biography of Spartacus.
Concerning Book Publishing.
A Calm.
The Story of a Struggler.
The Old Subscriber.
My Dog.
A Picturesque Picnic.
Taxidermy.
The Ways of Doctors.
Absent Minded.
Woman's Wonderful Influence.
Causes for Thanksgiving.
Farming in Maine.
Doosedly Dilatory.
Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger.
Sixty Minutes in America.
Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss.
Somnambulism and Crime.
Modern Architecture.
Letter to a Communist.
The Warrior's Oration.
The Holy Terror.
Boston Common and Environs.
Drunk in a Plug Hat.
Spring.
The Duke of Rawhide.
Etiquette at Hotels.
Fifteen Years Apart.
Dessicated Mule.
Time's Changes.
Letter From New York.
Crowns and Crowned Heads.
My Physician.
All About Oratory.
Strabusmus and Justice.
A Spencerian Ass.
Anecdotes of Justice.
The Chinese God.
A Great Spiritualist.
General Sheridan's Horse.
A Circular.
The Photograph Habit.
Rosalinde.
The Church Debt.
A Collection of Keys.
Extracts from a Queen's Diary.
Shorts.
“We.”
A Mountain Snowstorm.
Lost Money.
Dr. Dizart's Dog.
Chinese Justice.
Answers to Correspondents.
Great Sacrifice of Bric-a-brac.
A Convention.
Come Back.
A New Play.
The Silver Dollar.
Polygamy as a Religious Duty.
The Newspaper.
Wrestling with the Mazy.
Anecdotes of the Stage.
George the Third.
The Cell Nest.
Parental Advice.
Early Day Justice.{2}
The Indian Orator.
You Heah Me, Sah!
Plato.
The Expensive Word.
Petticoats at the Polls.
The Sedentary Hen.
A Bright Future for Pugilism.
The Snake Indian.
Roller Skating.
No More Frontier.
A Letter of Regrets.
Venice.
She Kind of Coaxed Him.
Answering an Invitation.
Street Cars and Curiosities.
The Poor Blind Pig.
Daniel Webster.
Two Ways of Telling It.
All About Menials.
A Powerful Speech.
A Goat in a Frame.
To a Married Man.
To an Embryo Poet.
Eccentricities of Genius.