What's this here war game I've been readin' about?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"It's a kind iv a blind man's buff," said Mr. Dooley. "It's a thrile iv cunnin' an' darin' between th' army an' th' navy. Be manes iv it we tarn whether th' inimy cud sneak into Boston afther dark without annywan seein' thim an' anchor in Boston common. Ye an' I know diff'rent, Hinnissy. We know how manny people are in th' sthreets afther dark. But th' navy don't know an' th' army don't know. Their idee is that a German fleet might gum-shoe up th' harbor in th' dark iv th' moon an' whin people turned out f'r their mornin' dhram, there wud be th' Impror Willum atin' his breakfast iv Hungayrian Goolash an' noodle soup on th' steps iv th' State House iv Matsachoosetts. But it's a gran' game. I'd like to play it mesilf. It's as noisy as forty-fives between Connock men an' as harmless as a steeryopticon letcher. If war an' th' war game was th' same thing, I'd be an admiral, at laste, be this time with me face gashed an' seamed be raspberry jam an' me clothes stained with English breakfast tea.
"Th' navy chose to be th' inimy an' 'twas th' jooty iv th' navy to divastate th' New England coast. On th' other hand, th' business iv th' army was to catch th' navy at its neefaryous wurruk an' tag it befure it cud get its fingers crost. To play th' game well, th' navy must act as much like an inimy as it can an' th' army must pretind to be jus' as cross at th' navy as it is whin they are both on the same side. Frindship ceases whin they set in.
"It's a hard game to follow if ye're lookin' on an' puttin' up th' money as I am. I've been readin' about it in th' pa-apers an' I can't make out now whether th' inimy is lootin' th' breweries iv Conneticut or whether th' definders iv our hearths has blown thim up in th' harbor iv New London. 'I have th' honor to rayport,' says Admiral Higginson, 'that I have this day desthroyed all th' forts on th' New England coast, put th' definders to rout with gr-reat slaughter an' kilt with me own hands Gin'ral McArthur th' Commander iv th' lan' foorces—a brave man but no match f'r ye'ers thruly. His las' wurruds to me was "Higginson, ye done well!" I rayturned him his soord with th' wurruds: "Gin'ral, between two brave men there can be no hard feelin's." Th' battle in which me gallant foe met his fate was th' con-clusion iv wan iv th' mos' successful socyal an' naval campaigns in th' histhry iv our counthry. I have th' honor to inform ye that promptly on th' declaration iv war, I give an afthernoon tea to th' Duchess iv Marlborough. Th' forts at Newport attimpted to reply, but was unable to scoor more thin three or four westhren millyonaires an' soon succumbed to th' inivitable. I thin moved up th' Sound an' fell upon Gin'ral McArthur whin he wasn't lookin'. Befure he cud load his guns, we poored a perfect blankety-blank hell iv blank catridges on him. He made a spirited reply but t'was useless. We outfought him be nearly fifty thousan' dollars worth iv powdher. In th' mist iv th' flame an' smoke, I discerned th' caitiff foe standin' on top iv a fort directin' his wav'rin' foorces. "Hi-spy, Gin'ral McArthur," says I in claryon tones, an' th' battle was over to all intints an' purposes. I have to ispicially commind Cap'n McWhallop who, findin' his boat caught between th' fires an' th' inimy, called out: "Lay me down, boys, an' save th' ship. I'm full iv marmylade." Th' ladies aboord was perfectly delighted with th' valor an' hospitality iv our men. To-night we completed our wurruk be givin' a dinner an' hop on boord th' flagship. Among those presint was—' an' so on.
"That's what th' gallant Higginson says. But listen to what th' akelly gallant McArthur says: 'I have th' honor to rayport that mesilf an' me gallant men, but largely if I do say it that shudden't, mesilf, crushed an' annihilated th' inimy's fleet at high noon to-day. Las' night at th' first round iv jacks, or midnight, as civilyans wud say, we rayceived a rayport fr'm our vigylant scouts that th' inimy were not at Bar Harbor, Pookypsie, Keokuk, Johannesboorg or Council Bluffs. But where were they? That was th' question. An idee struck me. War is as much a matther iv ingenooty an' thought as iv fire an' slaughter. I sint out f'r an avenin' paper an' as I suspicted, it announced that th' craven foe was about two blocks away. At that very moment, th' sthrains iv th' "Bloo Danoob" was wafted to me ears an' me suspicions was confirmed. On such occasions there is no sleep f'r th' modhren sojer. Napolyon wud've gone to bed but slumber niver crost me tired eyelids. 'Twas six o'clock whin we cashed in an' each wint to th' mournful jooties iv th' day, silently but with a heart full iv courage. At high noon, we fell upon th' inimy an' poored out about eighty-five thousan' dollars worth iv near-slaughter on him. His guns was choked with cotillyon favors an' he did not reply at wanst, but whin he did, th' scene was thruly awful. Th' sky was blackened be th' smoke iv smokeless powdher an' th' air was full iv cotton waste fr'm th' fell injines iv desthruction. A breeze fr'm shore carried out to me ears th' wails iv th' wounded tax payers. At twelve fifteen, I descried th' bloodthirsty Higginson—an' a good fellow Caleb is at that—on th' roof iv his boat. "Hi-spy," says he. "Hi-spy ye'er gran'mother," says I. "I've had me eye on ye f'r fifteen minyits an' ye're a dead man as I can prove be witnesses," I says. An' he fell off th' roof. I was sorry to take his life but war knows no mercy. He was a brave man but foolhardy. He ought niver to've gone again' me. He might've licked Cervera but he cudden't lick me. We captured all th' men-iv-war, desthroyed most iv th' cruisers an' ar-re now usin' th' flag-ship f'r a run-about. Th' counthry is safe, thanks to a vigylant an' sleepless army. I will go up to New York tomorrah to be measured f'r th' prisintation soord."
"There it is, Hinnissy. Who won? I don't know. I can't tell at this minyit whether I ought to be undher th' bed larnin' German f'r th' time whin a Prooshyan sojer'll poke me out with his saber, or down at Finucane's hall callin' a meetin' to thank th' definders iv th' fireside. Nobody knows. It's a quare game, f'r they tell me afther th' battles has been fought an' th' kilt has gone back to holeystonin' th' deck an' th' smoke fr'm th' chafin' dish has cleared away, th' decision is up to a good figurer at Wash'nton. It depinds on him whether we ar-re a free people or whether we wear th' yoke iv sarvichood an' bad German hats f'r all time. He's th' officyal scoorer an' what Higginson thinks was a base hit, he calls a foul an' what McArthur calls an accipted chanst is an error. Afther th' gallant lads in blue an' gold has got through, a wathry-eyed clerk named Perkins H. Something-or-other, sets down an' figures out th' victhry. Th' man behind th' fountain pen is th' boy. It's up to him whether th' stars an' sthripes still floats over an onconquered people or whether five pfennigs is th' price iv a dhrink in New York. He sets on his high stool an' says he: 'Five times eight is twinty-nine, subthract three f'r th' duchess, a quarther to one o'clock an' eighty miles fr'm Narragansett pier is two-an'-a-half, plus th' load-wather-line iv th' saloon companionway, akel to two-fifths iv th' differentyal tangent. Huroo! Misther Sicrety, ye can go home an' tell ye'er wife th' counthry's safe.' He has to be a smart man. A good book-keeper, as th' pote says, is th' counthry's on'y safety. He mus' be careful, too, d'ye mind. Th' honor iv th' army an' the navy is at stake. Wan or th' other iv thim has been careless."
"D'ye think a foreign fleet cud capture this counthry?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Not onless it was op'rated be a throlley," said Mr. Dooley.
"Supposin' ye an' I had throuble, Hinnissy, an' both iv us was armed with bricks an' ye was on roller skates an' I was on th' top iv a house, how much chanst wud ye have again' me? Ships is good to fight other ships. That's all. I'd sooner be behind a bank iv mud thin in th' finest ship in th' wurruld. A furrin inimy thryin' to get up to New York wud be like a blind burglar attimptin' to walk on th' top iv a hot-house with all th' neighbors an' th' neighbors' dogs waitin' f'r him. Th' war game is all right. It don't do anny harm. But it's like punchin' th' bag an' I'd jus' as soon thrain a man f'r a fight be larnin' him to play th' mandolin, as be insthructin' him in bag punchin'. It's a fine game. I don't know who won, but I know who lost."
"Who's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Th' threeasury," said Mr. Dooley.
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