"Th' life iv a sojer though gloryous is hard," said Mr. Dooley. "Here's me frind, Gin'ral Fustian, wan iv th' gallantest men that has come out iv Kansas since Stormy Jordan's day, has been called down f'r on'y suggistin' that Sinitor Hoar an' th' rest iv thim be hanged be th' heels. I'm with th' gallant gin'ral mesilf. I'm not sure but he'd like to hang me, though as ye know, me opinyions on th' Ph'lippeens is varyous an' I don't give a dam ayether way. If he runs me to earth I on'y ast him as a fellow pathrite that he won't give me th' wather cure. Th' very thought iv it makes me flesh creep.
"But th' prisidint called him down. Afther th' publication iv th' fifteenth speech whin ivry colledge pro-fissor in this broad an' fair land was undher sintince iv death fr'm th' gin'ral, th' prisidint wrote to him sayin': 'Dear Fred: Me attintion has been called to ye'er pathriotic utthrances in favor iv fryin' Edward Atkinson on his own cuk shtove. I am informed be me advisers that it can't be done. It won't fry beans. So I am compilled be th' reg'lations iv war to give ye a good slap. How ar-re ye, ol' commerade-in-arms? Ye ought to 've seen me on th' top iv San Joon hill. Oh, that was th' day! Iver, me dear Fred, reprovingly but lovingly, T. Rosenfelt, late colonel First United States Volunteers Calv'ry, betther known as th' Rough Riders, an' ex-officio prisidint iv th' United States.' That was wan f'r Fred. I wisht th' same cud be handed to Gin'ral Miles. Ivry time he opins his mouth, if 'tis on'y to say 'tis a fine day—which I must say is seldom—all they do to him is to break his back.
"'Tis a hard life, a sojer's, but a gloryous wan. I wisht me father had enthered me f'r a martial career instead iv tachin' me be precipt an' example to be quick on me feet. In these days whin a man gets to be a gin'ral because he's been a long time a doctor or because he's supprissed a naygur rite, 'tis me that wud go boundin' up to th' top iv th' laddher.
"'Janooary wan, Private Dooley distinguished himsilf at th' Battle iv Ogoowan in th' island iv Samar be rushin' out in a perfect hell iv putty-balls, rice, arrers, an' harsh cries, an' seizin' th' gin'ral iv th' Tamalese an' batin' him over th' head with his own bean-blower.
"'Janooary twinty: Colonel Dooley iv th' hunderth an' eighth Macabebee scouts yisterdah administhered th' best an' muddyest part iv th' Gingong river to Gin'ral Alfico Bim in th' prisince iv a large an' smilin' audjeence. Th' ribil had rayfused to communicate his plans to th' gallant colonel, but afther he had had sufficient irrigation his conversation was more extinded. So was th' gin'ral.
"'Feb'ry eighth: Gin'ral Dooley, th' hayro iv th' Ph'lippeens who is at home with a large spleen which he got into him in our beautiful island possissions made a speech before th' Locoed club las' night. He said we shud niver give up th' Ph'lippeens which had been wathered be some iv th best blood in our land—he might say all. He didn't know much about th' constichoochion, but fr'm what he heerd about it fr'm a man in his rig'mint who cud spell, it wasn't intinded f'r use out iv coort. He thought no wan shud be ilicted to congress undher th' rank iv major. There was much talk iv pro-gress in lithrachoor an' science which he was in favor iv hangin'. All th' army needed was rope enough an' all wud be well. Th' Supreme Coort was all right but if ye wanted justice hot out iv th' oven, ye shud see it administhered be three or four laughin' sub-alturns on th' stumps iv threes, jus' afther lunch.
"'March eighth: Prisidint Dooley, chafin' at th' delay in th' Sinit requirin' all civilyans to submit their opinyons on th' tariff to th' neighborin' raycruitin' sergeant wanst a week, wint over to th' capitol this mornin' with a file iv sojers an' arristed th' anti-administhration foorces who are now locked up in th' barn back iv th' White House. Th' prisidint was severely lacerated be Sinitor Tillman durin' th' encounther.'
"Yes, sir, I'd like to be a sojer. I want to be a military man. An' yet I niver wanted to be a polisman. 'Tis sthrange, too, f'r if ye think it over they ain't th' lot iv diff'rence between th' mos' ordhinry, flat-footed elbow that iver pulled wan leg afther another to mornin' roll-call an' th' gr-reatest gin'ral that iver wint through a war behind a band on horse. They both belong to th' race iv round-headed men. Whin ye lenthen th' head iv a man or dog, ye rayjooce his courage. That's thrue iv all but th' bull-tarryer an' th' Turk. Both iv thim fight like th' divvle. Th' jooties is much th' same but th' polisman's is harder. Th' polisman has to fight night an' day but th' sojer on'y wanst a month. A man's got to be five foot nine to get on th' foorce. He can be five foot eight an' get into th' army through West Pint, or three foot two an' get in through th' War Department. Didn't Mike Gilligan take more chances whin he wint up to th' patch where Red Starkey was holdin' th' fort with a Krupp gun an' took him be th' hand an' pivoted with him out iv a window, thin me frind Fearless Freddy win he assumed false whiskers, pretinded to be a naygur an' stole little Aggynaldoo out iv his flat? Ye wudden't expict a pathrolman to be promoted to be sergeant f'r kidnapin' an organ-grinder, wud ye? An' Gilligan didn't ask f'r lave iv absence an' go down town to th' Union Lague Club an' tell th' assembled mannyfactherers iv axle-grease what ought to be done with th' wather taxes. No, sir! What happened to Gilligan was at roll-call th' nex' mornin' th' Loot says: 'Officer Gilligan, in capturin' Starkey, ye reflicted gr-reat credit on this precinct an' ye'er own bringin' up. But I want ye to know, officer, that this important arrist is no excuse f'r ye goin' out an' loadin' ye'ersilf to th' joo-pint with Hannigan's paint. Th' nex' time ye miss pullin' ye'er box, I'll have ye up befure th' thrile boord. Put that in ye'er pipe an' smoke it, Mike Gilligan.' An' Gilligan blushed.
"No, sir, between th' two, th' polisman's life's th' hard wan. He can't rethreat f'r reinfoorcemints or surrindher with all th' honors iv war. If he surrindhers, he's kilt an' if he rethreats, his buttons comes off. He gets no soord fr'm Congress whin he brings in Starkey be th' burnin' hair iv his head. If he's promoted to sergeant, he's sure to be bounced be th' first rayform administhration. He takes his ordhers, carries his stick iv timber up hill an' down dale undher th' gleamin' stars, has nawthin' to say but 'Move on there, now,' an' if his foot slips another round-headed man pushes him into a cell an' a impartyal jury iv men that's had throuble with th' polis befure convicts him heartily.
"Now, suppose Gilligan's father whin he was young had looked him over an' said: 'Agathy, Michael's head is per-fictly round. It's like a baseball. 'Tis so pecoolyar. An' he has a fightin' face. 'Tis no good thryin' to tache him a thrade. Let's make a sojer iv him.' An' he wint into th' army. If he'd done there what he's done in th' patch, 'tis Gin'ral Gilligan he'd be be this time—Gin'ral Gilligan stormin' th' heights iv San Joon Hill; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan suspindin' th' haveas corpus in th' Ph'lippeens an' th' anti-impeeryalists at home; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan capturin' Aggynaldoo, an' he'd do it with bare hands an' without th' aid iv a mustache; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan abolishin' th' third reader; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan discoorsin' to th' public on 'Books I have niver read: Series wan, th' Histhry iv th' United States.' If his foot slips an' he grows a little cross with a pris'ner iv war on th' way to th' station an' dhrops his soord or his club on th' top iv him, is he up befure th' judge an' thried be a jury iv his peers? Officer Mike, yes; Gin'ral Mike, no. Gin'ral Mike has no peers. He raceives a letther notifyin' him that he has broken a human skull divine an' th' reg'lations iv th' army an' must be thried. 'Who will me brave frind have go through with this here austere but hail-fellow inquiry?' 'Oh, annywan will do. Anny iv th' gallant lift'nants iv me brigade will do,' says Gin'ral Mike. So th' Gin'ral is put on thrile an' a frind iv his addhresses th' coort. 'Gintlemen,' says he, 'th' question befure th' coort is not so much did our gallant leader hammer th' coon as whether our flag wanst stuck up where we have wathered so many precious citizens shall iver come down. (Th' coort: 'No, no!') That's th' pint. What do th' people at home who know nawthin' about this here war, excipt what we tell thim, what do they mane be subjectin' this here hayro, gray an' bent with infirmities but pretty spry at that, to this ignominy? He has fought f'r thim an' what have they done f'r him? In more thin wan year he has on'y risen fr'm th' rank iv captain to brigadier gin'ral an' his pay is less thin twinty times what it was. (Here th' coort weeps.) I ast ye, I ast ye, ye fine little boys, is it meet an' proper, nay, is it meat an' dhrink f'r us, to punish him?'
"An' th' coort puts th' vardict iv acquittal in th' shape iv th' pop'lar song 'F'r he's a jolly good fellow' an' adds a ricommindation that Harvard colledge is gettin' too gay annyhow.
"That's th' diff'rence between sojer an' polisman. Why is it that th' fair sect wudden't be seen talkin' to a polisman, but if ye say 'Sojer' to thim, they're all out iv th' window but th' feet? I want to know."
"I can't tell," said Mr. Hennessy. "I heerd a frind iv Willum J. Bryan say we was in danger iv havin' thim run th' counthry like they do in—in Germany, d'ye mind."
"Niver fear," said Mr. Dooley. "There's too manny Gilligans not in th' ar-rmy f'r that."
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