A ROOM IN LOVEWIT'S HOUSE. ENTER FACE AND MAMMON. FACE. O sir, you're come in the only finest time.— MAM. Where's master? FACE. Now preparing for projection, sir. Your stuff will be all changed shortly. MAM. Into gold? FACE. To gold and silver, sir. MAM. Silver I care not for. FACE. Yes, sir, a little to give beggars. MAM. Where's the lady? FACE. At hand here. I have told her such brave things of you, Touching your bounty, and your noble spirit— MAM. Hast thou? FACE. As she is almost in her fit to see you. But, good sir, no divinity in your conference, For fear of putting her in rage.— MAM. I warrant thee. FACE. Six men [sir] will not hold her down: and then, If the old man should hear or see you— MAM. Fear not. FACE. The very house, sir, would run mad. You know it, How scrupulous he is, and violent, 'Gainst the least act of sin. Physic, or mathematics, Poetry, state, or bawdry, as I told you, She will endure, and never startle; but No word of controversy. MAM. I am school'd, good Ulen. FACE. And you must praise her house, remember that, And her nobility. MAM. Let me alone: No herald, no, nor antiquary, Lungs, Shall do it better. Go. FACE [ASIDE]. Why, this is yet A kind of modern happiness, to have Dol Common for a great lady. [EXIT.] MAM. Now, Epicure, Heighten thyself, talk to her all in gold; Rain her as many showers as Jove did drops Unto his Danae; shew the god a miser, Compared with Mammon. What! the stone will do't. She shall feel gold, taste gold, hear gold, sleep gold; Nay, we will concumbere gold: I will be puissant, And mighty in my talk to her.— [RE-ENTER FACE, WITH DOL RICHLY DRESSED.] Here she comes. FACE. To him, Dol, suckle him.—This is the noble knight, I told your ladyship— MAM. Madam, with your pardon, I kiss your vesture. DOL. Sir, I were uncivil If I would suffer that; my lip to you, sir. MAM. I hope my lord your brother be in health, lady. DOL. My lord, my brother is, though I no lady, sir. FACE [ASIDE]. Well said, my Guinea bird. MAM. Right noble madam— FACE [ASIDE]. O, we shall have most fierce idolatry. MAM. 'Tis your prerogative. DOL. Rather your courtesy. MAM. Were there nought else to enlarge your virtues to me, These answers speak your breeding and your blood. DOL. Blood we boast none, sir, a poor baron's daughter. MAM. Poor! and gat you? profane not. Had your father Slept all the happy remnant of his life After that act, lien but there still, and panted, He had done enough to make himself, his issue, And his posterity noble. DOL. Sir, although We may be said to want the gilt and trappings, The dress of honour, yet we strive to keep The seeds and the materials. MAM. I do see The old ingredient, virtue, was not lost, Nor the drug money used to make your compound. There is a strange nobility in your eye, This lip, that chin! methinks you do resemble One of the Austriac princes. FACE. Very like! [ASIDE.] Her father was an Irish costermonger. MAM. The house of Valois just had such a nose, And such a forehead yet the Medici Of Florence boast. DOL. Troth, and I have been liken'd To all these princes. FACE [ASIDE]. I'll be sworn, I heard it. MAM. I know not how! it is not any one, But e'en the very choice of all their features. FACE [ASIDE]. I'll in, and laugh. [EXIT.] MAM. A certain touch, or air, That sparkles a divinity, beyond An earthly beauty! DOL. O, you play the courtier. MAM. Good lady, give me leave— DOL. In faith, I may not, To mock me, sir. MAM. To burn in this sweet flame; The phoenix never knew a nobler death. DOL. Nay, now you court the courtier, and destroy What you would build. This art, sir, in your words, Calls your whole faith in question. MAM. By my soul— DOL. Nay, oaths are made of the same air, sir. MAM. Nature Never bestow'd upon mortality A more unblamed, a more harmonious feature; She play'd the step-dame in all faces else: Sweet Madam, let me be particular— DOL. Particular, sir! I pray you know your distance. MAM. In no ill sense, sweet lady; but to ask How your fair graces pass the hours? I see You are lodged here, in the house of a rare man, An excellent artist; but what's that to you? DOL. Yes, sir; I study here the mathematics, And distillation. MAM. O, I cry your pardon. He's a divine instructor! can extract The souls of all things by his art; call all The virtues, and the miracles of the sun, Into a temperate furnace; teach dull nature What her own forces are. A man, the emperor Has courted above Kelly; sent his medals And chains, to invite him. DOL. Ay, and for his physic, sir— MAM. Above the art of Aesculapius, That drew the envy of the thunderer! I know all this, and more. DOL. Troth, I am taken, sir, Whole with these studies, that contemplate nature. MAM. It is a noble humour; but this form Was not intended to so dark a use. Had you been crooked, foul, of some coarse mould A cloister had done well; but such a feature That might stand up the glory of a kingdom, To live recluse! is a mere soloecism, Though in a nunnery. It must not be. I muse, my lord your brother will permit it: You should spend half my land first, were I he. Does not this diamond better on my finger, Than in the quarry? DOL. Yes. MAM. Why, you are like it. You were created, lady, for the light. Here, you shall wear it; take it, the first pledge Of what I speak, to bind you to believe me. DOL. In chains of adamant? MAM. Yes, the strongest bands. And take a secret too—here, by your side, Doth stand this hour, the happiest man in Europe. DOL. You are contended, sir! MAM. Nay, in true being, The envy of princes and the fear of states. DOL. Say you so, sir Epicure? MAM. Yes, and thou shalt prove it, Daughter of honour. I have cast mine eye Upon thy form, and I will rear this beauty Above all styles. DOL. You mean no treason, sir? MAM. No, I will take away that jealousy. I am the lord of the philosopher's stone, And thou the lady. DOL. How, sir! have you that? MAM. I am the master of the mystery. This day the good old wretch here o' the house Has made it for us: now he's at projection. Think therefore thy first wish now, let me hear it; And it shall rain into thy lap, no shower, But floods of gold, whole cataracts, a deluge, To get a nation on thee. DOL. You are pleased, sir, To work on the ambition of our sex. MAM. I am pleased the glory of her sex should know, This nook, here, of the Friars is no climate For her to live obscurely in, to learn Physic and surgery, for the constable's wife Of some odd hundred in Essex; but come forth, And taste the air of palaces; eat, drink The toils of empirics, and their boasted practice; Tincture of pearl, and coral, gold, and amber; Be seen at feasts and triumphs; have it ask'd, What miracle she is; set all the eyes Of court a-fire, like a burning glass, And work them into cinders, when the jewels Of twenty states adorn thee, and the light Strikes out the stars! that when thy name is mention'd, Queens may look pale; and we but shewing our love, Nero's Poppaea may be lost in story! Thus will we have it. DOL. I could well consent, sir. But, in a monarchy, how will this be? The prince will soon take notice, and both seize You and your stone, it being a wealth unfit For any private subject. MAM. If he knew it. DOL. Yourself do boast it, sir. MAM. To thee, my life. DOL. O, but beware, sir! You may come to end The remnants of your days in a loth'd prison, By speaking of it. MAM. 'Tis no idle fear. We'll therefore go withal, my girl, and live In a free state, where we will eat our mullets, Soused in high-country wines, sup pheasants' eggs, And have our cockles boil'd in silver shells; Our shrimps to swim again, as when they liv'd, In a rare butter made of dolphins' milk, Whose cream does look like opals; and with these Delicate meats set ourselves high for pleasure, And take us down again, and then renew Our youth and strength with drinking the elixir, And so enjoy a perpetuity Of life and lust! And thou shalt have thy wardrobe Richer than nature's, still to change thy self, And vary oftener, for thy pride, than she, Or art, her wise and almost-equal servant. [RE-ENTER FACE.] FACE. Sir, you are too loud. I hear you every word Into the laboratory. Some fitter place; The garden, or great chamber above. How like you her? MAM. Excellent! Lungs. There's for thee. [GIVES HIM MONEY.] FACE. But do you hear? Good sir, beware, no mention of the rabbins. MAM. We think not on 'em. [EXEUNT MAM. AND DOL.] FACE. O, it is well, sir.—Subtle! [ENTER SUBTLE.] Dost thou not laugh? SUB. Yes; are they gone? FACE. All's clear. SUB. The widow is come. FACE. And your quarrelling disciple? SUB. Ay. FACE. I must to my captainship again then. SUB. Stay, bring them in first. FACE. So I meant. What is she? A bonnibel? SUB. I know not. FACE. We'll draw lots: You'll stand to that? SUB. What else? FACE. O, for a suit, To fall now like a curtain, flap! SUB. To the door, man. FACE. You'll have the first kiss, 'cause I am not ready. [EXIT.] SUB. Yes, and perhaps hit you through both the nostrils. FACE [WITHIN]. Who would you speak with? KAS [WITHIN]. Where's the captain? FACE [WITHIN]. Gone, sir, About some business. KAS [WITHIN]. Gone! FACE [WITHIN]. He'll return straight. But master doctor, his lieutenant, is here. [ENTER KASTRIL, FOLLOWED BY DAME PLIANT.] SUB. Come near, my worshipful boy, my terrae fili, That is, my boy of land; make thy approaches: Welcome; I know thy lusts, and thy desires, And I will serve and satisfy them. Begin, Charge me from thence, or thence, or in this line; Here is my centre: ground thy quarrel. KAS. You lie. SUB. How, child of wrath and anger! the loud lie? For what, my sudden boy? KAS. Nay, that look you to, I am afore-hand. SUB. O, this is no true grammar, And as ill logic! You must render causes, child, Your first and second intentions, know your canons And your divisions, moods, degrees, and differences, Your predicaments, substance, and accident, Series, extern and intern, with their causes, Efficient, material, formal, final, And have your elements perfect. KAS [ASIDE]. What is this? The angry tongue he talks in? SUB. That false precept, Of being afore-hand, has deceived a number, And made them enter quarrels, often-times, Before they were aware; and afterward, Against their wills. KAS. How must I do then, sir? SUB. I cry this lady mercy: she should first Have been saluted. [KISSES HER.] I do call you lady, Because you are to be one, ere't be long, My soft and buxom widow. KAS. Is she, i'faith? SUB. Yes, or my art is an egregious liar. KAS. How know you? SUB. By inspection on her forehead, And subtlety of her lip, which must be tasted Often to make a judgment. [KISSES HER AGAIN.] 'Slight, she melts Like a myrobolane:—here is yet a line, In rivo frontis, tells me he is no knight. DAME P. What is he then, sir? SUB. Let me see your hand. O, your linea fortunae makes it plain; And stella here in monte Veneris. But, most of all, junctura annularis. He is a soldier, or a man of art, lady, But shall have some great honour shortly. DAME P. Brother, He's a rare man, believe me! [RE-ENTER FACE, IN HIS UNIFORM.] KAS. Hold your peace. Here comes the t'other rare man.—'Save you, captain. FACE. Good master Kastril! Is this your sister? KAS. Ay, sir. Please you to kuss her, and be proud to know her. FACE. I shall be proud to know you, lady. [KISSES HER.] DAME P. Brother, He calls me lady too. KAS. Ay, peace: I heard it. [TAKES HER ASIDE.] FACE. The count is come. SUB. Where is he? FACE. At the door. SUB. Why, you must entertain him. FACE. What will you do With these the while? SUB. Why, have them up, and shew them Some fustian book, or the dark glass. FACE. 'Fore God, She is a delicate dab-chick! I must have her. [EXIT.] SUB. Must you! ay, if your fortune will, you must.— Come, sir, the captain will come to us presently: I'll have you to my chamber of demonstrations, Where I will shew you both the grammar and logic, And rhetoric of quarrelling; my whole method Drawn out in tables; and my instrument, That hath the several scales upon't, shall make you Able to quarrel at a straw's-breadth by moon-light. And, lady, I'll have you look in a glass, Some half an hour, but to clear your eye-sight, Against you see your fortune; which is greater, Than I may judge upon the sudden, trust me. [EXIT, FOLLOWED BY KAST. AND DAME P.] [RE-ENTER FACE.] FACE. Where are you, doctor? SUB [WITHIN]. I'll come to you presently. FACE. I will have this same widow, now I have seen her, On any composition. [RE-ENTER SUBTLE.] SUB. What do you say? FACE. Have you disposed of them? SUB. I have sent them up. FACE. Subtle, in troth, I needs must have this widow. SUB. Is that the matter? FACE. Nay, but hear me. SUB. Go to. If you rebel once, Dol shall know it all: Therefore be quiet, and obey your chance. FACE. Nay, thou art so violent now—Do but conceive, Thou art old, and canst not serve— SUB. Who cannot? I? 'Slight, I will serve her with thee, for a— FACE. Nay, But understand: I'll give you composition. SUB. I will not treat with thee; what! sell my fortune? 'Tis better than my birth-right. Do not murmur: Win her, and carry her. If you grumble, Dol Knows it directly. FACE. Well, sir, I am silent. Will you go help to fetch in Don in state? [EXIT.] SUB. I follow you, sir. We must keep Face in awe, Or he will over-look us like a tyrant. [RE-ENTER FACE, INTRODUCING SURLY DISGUISED AS A SPANIARD.] Brain of a tailor! who comes here? Don John! SUR. Senores, beso las manos a vuestras mercedes. SUB. Would you had stoop'd a little, and kist our anos! FACE. Peace, Subtle. SUB. Stab me; I shall never hold, man. He looks in that deep ruff like a head in a platter, Serv'd in by a short cloke upon two trestles. FACE. Or, what do you say to a collar of brawn, cut down Beneath the souse, and wriggled with a knife? SUB. 'Slud, he does look too fat to be a Spaniard. FACE. Perhaps some Fleming or some Hollander got him In d'Alva's time; count Egmont's bastard. SUB. Don, Your scurvy, yellow, Madrid face is welcome. SUR. Gratia. SUB. He speaks out of a fortification. Pray God he have no squibs in those deep sets. SUR. Por dios, senores, muy linda casa! SUB. What says he? FACE. Praises the house, I think; I know no more but's action. SUB. Yes, the casa, My precious Diego, will prove fair enough To cozen you in. Do you mark? you shall Be cozen'd, Diego. FACE. Cozen'd, do you see, My worthy Donzel, cozen'd. SUR. Entiendo. SUB. Do you intend it? so do we, dear Don. Have you brought pistolets, or portagues, My solemn Don?—Dost thou feel any? FACE [FEELS HIS POCKETS]. Full. SUB. You shall be emptied, Don, pumped and drawn Dry, as they say. FACE. Milked, in troth, sweet Don. SUB. See all the monsters; the great lion of all, Don. SUR. Con licencia, se puede ver a esta senora? SUB. What talks he now? FACE. Of the sennora. SUB. O, Don, This is the lioness, which you shall see Also, my Don. FACE. 'Slid, Subtle, how shall we do? SUB. For what? FACE. Why Dol's employ'd, you know. SUB. That's true. 'Fore heaven, I know not: he must stay, that's all. FACE. Stay! that he must not by no means. SUB. No! why? FACE. Unless you'll mar all. 'Slight, he will suspect it: And then he will not pay, not half so well. This is a travelled punk-master, and does know All the delays; a notable hot rascal, And looks already rampant. SUB. 'Sdeath, and Mammon Must not be troubled. FACE. Mammon! in no case. SUB. What shall we do then? FACE. Think: you must be sudden. SUR. Entiendo que la senora es tan hermosa, que codicio tan verla, como la bien aventuranza de mi vida. FACE. Mi vida! 'Slid, Subtle, he puts me in mind of the widow. What dost thou say to draw her to it, ha! And tell her 'tis her fortune? all our venture Now lies upon't. It is but one man more, Which of us chance to have her: and beside, There is no maidenhead to be fear'd or lost. What dost thou think on't, Subtle? SUB. Who? I? why— FACE. The credit of our house too is engaged. SUB. You made me an offer for my share erewhile. What wilt thou give me, i'faith? FACE. O, by that light I'll not buy now: You know your doom to me. E'en take your lot, obey your chance, sir; win her, And wear her out, for me. SUB. 'Slight, I'll not work her then. FACE. It is the common cause; therefore bethink you. Dol else must know it, as you said. SUB. I care not. SUR. Senores, porque se tarda tanto? SUB. Faith, I am not fit, I am old. FACE. That's now no reason, sir. SUR. Puede ser de hazer burla de mi amor? FACE. You hear the Don too? by this air, I call, And loose the hinges: Dol! SUB. A plague of hell— FACE. Will you then do? SUB. You are a terrible rogue! I'll think of this: will you, sir, call the widow? FACE. Yes, and I'll take her too with all her faults, Now I do think on't better. SUB. With all my heart, sir; Am I discharged o' the lot? FACE. As you please. SUB. Hands. [THEY TAKE HANDS.] FACE. Remember now, that upon any change, You never claim her. SUB. Much good joy, and health to you, sir, Marry a whore! fate, let me wed a witch first. SUR. Por estas honradas barbas— SUB. He swears by his beard. Dispatch, and call the brother too. [EXIT FACE.] SUR. Tengo duda, senores, que no me hagan alguna traycion. SUB. How, issue on? yes, praesto, sennor. Please you Enthratha the chambrata, worthy don: Where if you please the fates, in your bathada, You shall be soked, and stroked, and tubb'd and rubb'd, And scrubb'd, and fubb'd, dear don, before you go. You shall in faith, my scurvy baboon don, Be curried, claw'd, and flaw'd, and taw'd, indeed. I will the heartlier go about it now, And make the widow a punk so much the sooner, To be revenged on this impetuous Face: The quickly doing of it is the grace. [EXEUNT SUB. AND SURLY.]
SCENE 4.2. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME. ENTER FACE, KASTRIL, AND DAME PLIANT. FACE. Come, lady: I knew the Doctor would not leave, Till he had found the very nick of her fortune. KAS. To be a countess, say you, a Spanish countess, sir? DAME P. Why, is that better than an English countess? FACE. Better! 'Slight, make you that a question, lady? KAS. Nay, she is a fool, captain, you must pardon her. FACE. Ask from your courtier, to your inns-of-court-man, To your mere milliner; they will tell you all, Your Spanish gennet is the best horse; your Spanish Stoup is the best garb; your Spanish beard Is the best cut; your Spanish ruffs are the best Wear; your Spanish pavin the best dance; Your Spanish titillation in a glove The best perfume: and for your Spanish pike, And Spanish blade, let your poor captain speak— Here comes the doctor. [ENTER SUBTLE, WITH A PAPER.] SUB. My most honour'd lady, For so I am now to style you, having found By this my scheme, you are to undergo An honourable fortune, very shortly. What will you say now, if some— FACE. I have told her all, sir, And her right worshipful brother here, that she shall be A countess; do not delay them, sir; a Spanish countess. SUB. Still, my scarce-worshipful captain, you can keep No secret! Well, since he has told you, madam, Do you forgive him, and I do. KAS. She shall do that, sir; I'll look to it, 'tis my charge. SUB. Well then: nought rests But that she fit her love now to her fortune. DAME P. Truly I shall never brook a Spaniard. SUB. No! DAME P. Never since eighty-eight could I abide them, And that was some three year afore I was born, in truth. SUB. Come, you must love him, or be miserable, Choose which you will. FACE. By this good rush, persuade her, She will cry strawberries else within this twelvemonth. SUB. Nay, shads and mackerel, which is worse. FACE. Indeed, sir! KAS. Od's lid, you shall love him, or I'll kick you. DAME P. Why, I'll do as you will have me, brother. KAS. Do, Or by this hand I'll maul you. FACE. Nay, good sir, Be not so fierce. SUB. No, my enraged child; She will be ruled. What, when she comes to taste The pleasures of a countess! to be courted— FACE. And kiss'd, and ruffled! SUB. Ay, behind the hangings. FACE. And then come forth in pomp! SUB. And know her state! FACE. Of keeping all the idolaters of the chamber Barer to her, than at their prayers! SUB. Is serv'd Upon the knee! FACE. And has her pages, ushers, Footmen, and coaches— SUB. Her six mares— FACE. Nay, eight! SUB. To hurry her through London, to the Exchange, Bethlem, the china-houses— FACE. Yes, and have The citizens gape at her, and praise her tires, And my lord's goose-turd bands, that ride with her! KAS. Most brave! By this hand, you are not my suster, If you refuse. DAME P. I will not refuse, brother. [ENTER SURLY.] SUR. Que es esto, senores, que no venga? Esta tardanza me mata! FACE. It is the count come: The doctor knew he would be here, by his art. SUB. En gallanta madama, Don! gallantissima! SUR. Por todos los dioses, la mas acabada hermosura, que he visto en mi vida! FACE. Is't not a gallant language that they speak? KAS. An admirable language! Is't not French? FACE. No, Spanish, sir. KAS. It goes like law-French, And that, they say, is the courtliest language. FACE. List, sir. SUR. El sol ha perdido su lumbre, con el esplandor que trae esta dama! Valgame dios! FACE. He admires your sister. KAS. Must not she make curt'sy? SUB. Ods will, she must go to him, man, and kiss him! It is the Spanish fashion, for the women To make first court. FACE. 'Tis true he tells you, sir: His art knows all. SUR. Porque no se acude? KAS. He speaks to her, I think. FACE. That he does, sir. SUR. Por el amor de dios, que es esto que se tarda? KAS. Nay, see: she will not understand him! gull, Noddy. DAME P. What say you, brother? KAS. Ass, my suster. Go kuss him, as the cunning man would have you; I'll thrust a pin in your buttocks else. FACE. O no, sir. SUR. Senora mia, mi persona esta muy indigna de allegar a tanta hermosura. FACE. Does he not use her bravely? KAS. Bravely, i'faith! FACE. Nay, he will use her better. KAS. Do you think so? SUR. Senora, si sera servida, entremonos. [EXIT WITH DAME PLIANT.] KAS. Where does he carry her? FACE. Into the garden, sir; Take you no thought: I must interpret for her. SUB. Give Dol the word. [ASIDE TO FACE, WHO GOES OUT.] —Come, my fierce child, advance, We'll to our quarrelling lesson again. KAS. Agreed. I love a Spanish boy with all my heart. SUB. Nay, and by this means, sir, you shall be brother To a great count. KAS. Ay, I knew that at first, This match will advance the house of the Kastrils. SUB. 'Pray God your sister prove but pliant! KAS. Why, Her name is so, by her other husband. SUB. How! KAS. The widow Pliant. Knew you not that? SUB. No, faith, sir; Yet, by erection of her figure, I guest it. Come, let's go practise. KAS. Yes, but do you think, doctor, I e'er shall quarrel well? SUB. I warrant you. [EXEUNT.]
SCENE 4.3. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME. ENTER DOL IN HER FIT OF RAVING, FOLLOWED BY MAMMON. DOL. "For after Alexander's death"— MAM. Good lady— DOL. "That Perdiccas and Antigonus, were slain, The two that stood, Seleuc', and Ptolomee"— MAM. Madam— DOL. "Made up the two legs, and the fourth beast, That was Gog-north, and Egypt-south: which after Was call'd Gog-iron-leg and South-iron-leg"— MAM. Lady— DOL. "And then Gog-horned. So was Egypt, too: Then Egypt-clay-leg, and Gog-clay-leg"— MAM. Sweet madam— DOL. "And last Gog-dust, and Egypt-dust, which fall In the last link of the fourth chain. And these Be stars in story, which none see, or look at"— MAM. What shall I do? DOL. "For," as he says, "except We call the rabbins, and the heathen Greeks"— MAM. Dear lady— DOL. "To come from Salem, and from Athens, And teach the people of Great Britain"— [ENTER FACE, HASTILY, IN HIS SERVANT'S DRESS.] FACE. What's the matter, sir? DOL. "To speak the tongue of Eber, and Javan"— MAM. O, She's in her fit. DOL. "We shall know nothing"— FACE. Death, sir, We are undone! DOL. "Where then a learned linguist Shall see the ancient used communion Of vowels and consonants"— FACE. My master will hear! DOL. "A wisdom, which Pythagoras held most high"— MAM. Sweet honourable lady! DOL. "To comprise All sounds of voices, in few marks of letters"— FACE. Nay, you must never hope to lay her now. [THEY ALL SPEAK TOGETHER.] DOL. "And so we may arrive by Talmud skill, And profane Greek, to raise the building up Of Helen's house against the Ismaelite, King of Thogarma, and his habergions Brimstony, blue, and fiery; and the force Of king Abaddon, and the beast of Cittim: Which rabbi David Kimchi, Onkelos, And Aben Ezra do interpret Rome." FACE. How did you put her into't? MAM. Alas, I talk'd Of a fifth monarchy I would erect, With the philosopher's stone, by chance, and she Falls on the other four straight. FACE. Out of Broughton! I told you so. 'Slid, stop her mouth. MAM. Is't best? FACE. She'll never leave else. If the old man hear her, We are but faeces, ashes. SUB [WITHIN]. What's to do there? FACE. O, we are lost! Now she hears him, she is quiet. [ENTER SUBTLE, THEY RUN DIFFERENT WAYS.] MAM. Where shall I hide me! SUB. How! what sight is here? Close deeds of darkness, and that shun the light! Bring him again. Who is he? What, my son! O, I have lived too long. MAM. Nay, good, dear father, There was no unchaste purpose. SUB. Not? and flee me When I come in? MAM. That was my error. SUB. Error? Guilt, guilt, my son: give it the right name. No marvel, If I found check in our great work within, When such affairs as these were managing! MAM. Why, have you so? SUB. It has stood still this half hour: And all the rest of our less works gone back. Where is the instrument of wickedness, My lewd false drudge? MAM. Nay, good sir, blame not him; Believe me, 'twas against his will or knowledge: I saw her by chance. SUB. Will you commit more sin, To excuse a varlet? MAM. By my hope, 'tis true, sir. SUB. Nay, then I wonder less, if you, for whom The blessing was prepared, would so tempt heaven, And lose your fortunes. MAM. Why, sir? SUB. This will retard The work a month at least. MAM. Why, if it do, What remedy? But think it not, good father: Our purposes were honest. SUB. As they were, So the reward will prove. [A LOUD EXPLOSION WITHIN.] —How now! ah me! God, and all saints be good to us.— [RE-ENTER FACE.] What's that? FACE. O, sir, we are defeated! all the works Are flown in fumo, every glass is burst; Furnace, and all rent down, as if a bolt Of thunder had been driven through the house. Retorts, receivers, pelicans, bolt-heads, All struck in shivers! [SUBTLE FALLS DOWN AS IN A SWOON.] Help, good sir! alas, Coldness and death invades him. Nay, sir Mammon, Do the fair offices of a man! you stand, As you were readier to depart than he. [KNOCKING WITHIN.] Who's there? my lord her brother is come. MAM. Ha, Lungs! FACE. His coach is at the door. Avoid his sight, For he's as furious as his sister's mad. MAM. Alas! FACE. My brain is quite undone with the fume, sir, I ne'er must hope to be mine own man again. MAM. Is all lost, Lungs? will nothing be preserv'd Of all our cost? FACE. Faith, very little, sir; A peck of coals or so, which is cold comfort, sir. MAM. O, my voluptuous mind! I am justly punish'd. FACE. And so am I, sir. MAM. Cast from all my hopes— FACE. Nay, certainties, sir. MAM. By mine own base affections. SUB [SEEMING TO COME TO HIMSELF]. O, the curst fruits of vice and lust! MAM. Good father, It was my sin. Forgive it. SUB. Hangs my roof Over us still, and will not fall, O justice, Upon us, for this wicked man! FACE. Nay, look, sir, You grieve him now with staying in his sight: Good sir, the nobleman will come too, and take you, And that may breed a tragedy. MAM. I'll go. FACE. Ay, and repent at home, sir. It may be, For some good penance you may have it yet; A hundred pound to the box at Bethlem— MAM. Yes. FACE. For the restoring such as—have their wits. MAM. I'll do't. FACE. I'll send one to you to receive it. MAM. Do. Is no projection left? FACE. All flown, or stinks, sir. MAM. Will nought be sav'd that's good for med'cine, think'st thou? FACE. I cannot tell, sir. There will be perhaps, Something about the scraping of the shards, Will cure the itch,—though not your itch of mind, sir. [ASIDE.] It shall be saved for you, and sent home. Good sir, This way, for fear the lord should meet you. [EXIT MAMMON.] SUB [RAISING HIS HEAD]. Face! FACE. Ay. SUB. Is he gone? FACE. Yes, and as heavily As all the gold he hoped for were in's blood. Let us be light though. SUB [LEAPING UP]. Ay, as balls, and bound And hit our heads against the roof for joy: There's so much of our care now cast away. FACE. Now to our don. SUB. Yes, your young widow by this time Is made a countess, Face; she has been in travail Of a young heir for you. FACE. Good sir. SUB. Off with your case, And greet her kindly, as a bridegroom should, After these common hazards. FACE. Very well, sir. Will you go fetch Don Diego off, the while? SUB. And fetch him over too, if you'll be pleased, sir: Would Dol were in her place, to pick his pockets now! FACE. Why, you can do't as well, if you would set to't. I pray you prove your virtue. SUB. For your sake sir. [EXEUNT.]
SCENE 4.4. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME. [ENTER SURLY AND DAME PLIANT.] SUR. Lady, you see into what hands you are fall'n; 'Mongst what a nest of villains! and how near Your honour was t' have catch'd a certain clap, Through your credulity, had I but been So punctually forward, as place, time, And other circumstances would have made a man; For you're a handsome woman: would you were wise too! I am a gentleman come here disguised, Only to find the knaveries of this citadel; And where I might have wrong'd your honour, and have not, I claim some interest in your love. You are, They say, a widow, rich: and I'm a batchelor, Worth nought: your fortunes may make me a man, As mine have preserv'd you a woman. Think upon it, And whether I have deserv'd you or no. DAME P. I will, sir. SUR. And for these household-rogues, let me alone To treat with them. [ENTER SUBTLE.] SUB. How doth my noble Diego, And my dear madam countess? hath the count Been courteous, lady? liberal, and open? Donzel, methinks you look melancholic, After your coitum, and scurvy: truly, I do not like the dulness of your eye; It hath a heavy cast, 'tis upsee Dutch, And says you are a lumpish whore-master. Be lighter, and I will make your pockets so. [ATTEMPTS TO PICK THEM.] SUR [THROWS OPEN HIS CLOAK]. Will you, don bawd and pickpurse? [STRIKES HIM DOWN.] how now! reel you? Stand up, sir, you shall find, since I am so heavy, I'll give you equal weight. SUB. Help! murder! SUR. No, sir, There's no such thing intended: a good cart, And a clean whip shall ease you of that fear. I am the Spanish don "that should be cozen'd, Do you see, cozen'd?" Where's your Captain Face, That parcel broker, and whole-bawd, all rascal! [ENTER FACE, IN HIS UNIFORM.] FACE. How, Surly! SUR. O, make your approach, good captain. I have found from whence your copper rings and spoons Come, now, wherewith you cheat abroad in taverns. 'Twas here you learned t' anoint your boot with brimstone, Then rub men's gold on't for a kind of touch, And say 'twas naught, when you had changed the colour, That you might have't for nothing. And this doctor, Your sooty, smoky-bearded compeer, he Will close you so much gold, in a bolt's-head, And, on a turn, convey in the stead another With sublimed mercury, that shall burst in the heat, And fly out all in fumo! Then weeps Mammon; Then swoons his worship. [FACE SLIPS OUT.] Or, he is the Faustus, That casteth figures and can conjure, cures Plagues, piles, and pox, by the ephemerides, And holds intelligence with all the bawds And midwives of three shires: while you send in— Captain!—what! is he gone?—damsels with child, Wives that are barren, or the waiting-maid With the green sickness. [SEIZES SUBTLE AS HE IS RETIRING.] —Nay, sir, you must tarry, Though he be scaped; and answer by the ears, sir. [RE-ENTER FACE, WITH KASTRIL.] FACE. Why, now's the time, if ever you will quarrel Well, as they say, and be a true-born child: The doctor and your sister both are abused. KAS. Where is he? which is he? he is a slave, Whate'er he is, and the son of a whore.—Are you The man, sir, I would know? SUR. I should be loth, sir, To confess so much. KAS. Then you lie in your throat. SUR. How! FACE [TO KASTRIL]. A very errant rogue, sir, and a cheater, Employ'd here by another conjurer That does not love the doctor, and would cross him, If he knew how. SUR. Sir, you are abused. KAS. You lie: And 'tis no matter. FACE. Well said, sir! He is The impudent'st rascal— SUR. You are indeed: Will you hear me, sir? FACE. By no means: bid him be gone. KAS. Begone, sir, quickly. SUR. This 's strange!—Lady, do you inform your brother. FACE. There is not such a foist in all the town, The doctor had him presently; and finds yet, The Spanish count will come here. [ASIDE.] —Bear up, Subtle. SUB. Yes, sir, he must appear within this hour. FACE. And yet this rogue would come in a disguise, By the temptation of another spirit, To trouble our art, though he could not hurt it! KAS. Ay, I know—Away, [TO HIS SISTER.] you talk like a foolish mauther. SUR. Sir, all is truth she says. FACE. Do not believe him, sir. He is the lying'st swabber! Come your ways, sir. SUR. You are valiant out of company! KAS. Yes, how then, sir? [ENTER DRUGGER, WITH A PIECE OF DAMASK.] FACE. Nay, here's an honest fellow, too, that knows him, And all his tricks. Make good what I say, Abel, This cheater would have cozen'd thee o' the widow.— [ASIDE TO DRUG.] He owes this honest Drugger here, seven pound, He has had on him, in two-penny'orths of tobacco. DRUG. Yes, sir. And he has damn'd himself three terms to pay me. FACE. And what does he owe for lotium? DRUG. Thirty shillings, sir; And for six syringes. SUR. Hydra of villainy! FACE. Nay, sir, you must quarrel him out o' the house. KAS. I will: —Sir, if you get not out of doors, you lie; And you are a pimp. SUR. Why, this is madness, sir, Not valour in you; I must laugh at this. KAS. It is my humour: you are a pimp and a trig, And an Amadis de Gaul, or a Don Quixote. DRUG. Or a knight o' the curious coxcomb, do you see? [ENTER ANANIAS.] ANA. Peace to the household! KAS. I'll keep peace for no man. ANA. Casting of dollars is concluded lawful. KAS. Is he the constable? SUB. Peace, Ananias. FACE. No, sir. KAS. Then you are an otter, and a shad, a whit, A very tim. SUR. You'll hear me, sir? KAS. I will not. ANA. What is the motive? SUB. Zeal in the young gentleman, Against his Spanish slops. ANA. They are profane, Lewd, superstitious, and idolatrous breeches. SUR. New rascals! KAS. Will you begone, sir? ANA. Avoid, Sathan! Thou art not of the light: That ruff of pride About thy neck, betrays thee; and is the same With that which the unclean birds, in seventy-seven, Were seen to prank it with on divers coasts: Thou look'st like antichrist, in that lewd hat. SUR. I must give way. KAS. Be gone, sir. SUR. But I'll take A course with you— ANA. Depart, proud Spanish fiend! SUR. Captain and doctor. ANA. Child of perdition! KAS. Hence, sir!— [EXIT SURLY.] Did I not quarrel bravely? FACE. Yes, indeed, sir. KAS. Nay, an I give my mind to't, I shall do't. FACE. O, you must follow, sir, and threaten him tame: He'll turn again else. KAS. I'll re-turn him then. [EXIT.] [SUBTLE TAKES ANANIAS ASIDE.] FACE. Drugger, this rogue prevented us for thee: We had determin'd that thou should'st have come In a Spanish suit, and have carried her so; and he, A brokerly slave! goes, puts it on himself. Hast brought the damask? DRUG. Yes, sir. FACE. Thou must borrow A Spanish suit. Hast thou no credit with the players? DRUG. Yes, sir; did you never see me play the Fool? FACE. I know not, Nab:—Thou shalt, if I can help it.— [ASIDE.] Hieronimo's old cloak, ruff, and hat will serve; I'll tell thee more when thou bring'st 'em. [EXIT DRUGGER.] ANA. Sir, I know The Spaniard hates the brethren, and hath spies Upon their actions: and that this was one I make no scruple.—But the holy synod Have been in prayer and meditation for it; And 'tis revealed no less to them than me, That casting of money is most lawful. SUB. True. But here I cannot do it: if the house Shou'd chance to be suspected, all would out, And we be locked up in the Tower for ever, To make gold there for the state, never come out; And then are you defeated. ANA. I will tell This to the elders and the weaker brethren, That the whole company of the separation May join in humble prayer again. SUB. And fasting. ANA. Yea, for some fitter place. The peace of mind Rest with these walls! [EXIT.] SUB. Thanks, courteous Ananias. FACE. What did he come for? SUB. About casting dollars, Presently out of hand. And so I told him, A Spanish minister came here to spy, Against the faithful— FACE. I conceive. Come, Subtle, Thou art so down upon the least disaster! How wouldst thou ha' done, if I had not help't thee out? SUB. I thank thee, Face, for the angry boy, i'faith. FACE. Who would have look'd it should have been that rascal, Surly? he had dyed his beard and all. Well, sir. Here's damask come to make you a suit. SUB. Where's Drugger? FACE. He is gone to borrow me a Spanish habit; I'll be the count, now. SUB. But where's the widow? FACE. Within, with my lord's sister; madam Dol Is entertaining her. SUB. By your favour, Face, Now she is honest, I will stand again. FACE. You will not offer it. SUB. Why? FACE. Stand to your word, Or—here comes Dol, she knows— SUB. You are tyrannous still. [ENTER DOL, HASTILY.] FACE. Strict for my right.—How now, Dol! Hast [thou] told her, The Spanish count will come? DOL. Yes; but another is come, You little look'd for! FACE. Who's that? DOL. Your master; The master of the house. SUB. How, Dol! FACE. She lies, This is some trick. Come, leave your quiblins, Dorothy. DOL. Look out, and see. [FACE GOES TO THE WINDOW.] SUB. Art thou in earnest? DOL. 'Slight, Forty of the neighbours are about him, talking. FACE. 'Tis he, by this good day. DOL. 'Twill prove ill day For some on us. FACE. We are undone, and taken. DOL. Lost, I'm afraid. SUB. You said he would not come, While there died one a week within the liberties. FACE. No: 'twas within the walls. SUB. Was't so! cry you mercy. I thought the liberties. What shall we do now, Face? FACE. Be silent: not a word, if he call or knock. I'll into mine old shape again and meet him, Of Jeremy, the butler. In the mean time, Do you two pack up all the goods and purchase, That we can carry in the two trunks. I'll keep him Off for to-day, if I cannot longer: and then At night, I'll ship you both away to Ratcliff, Where we will meet to-morrow, and there we'll share. Let Mammon's brass and pewter keep the cellar; We'll have another time for that. But, Dol, 'Prythee go heat a little water quickly; Subtle must shave me: all my captain's beard Must off, to make me appear smooth Jeremy. You'll do it? SUB. Yes, I'll shave you, as well as I can. FACE. And not cut my throat, but trim me? SUB. You shall see, sir. [EXEUNT.]
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