SCENE I. ENTER LORENZO SEN., PETO, MEETING MUSCO. PETO. Was your man a soldier, sir? LOR. SE. Ay, a knave, I took him up begging upon the way, This morning as I was coming to the city. Oh! here he is; come on, you make fair speed: Why, where in God's name have you been so long? MUS. Marry, (God's my comfort) where I thought I should have had little comfort of your worship's service. LOR. SE. How so? MUS. O God, sir! your coming to the city, and your entertainment of men, and your sending me to watch; indeed, all the circumstances are as open to your son as to yourself. LOR. SE. How should that be? Unless that villain Musco Have told him of the letter, and discovered All that I strictly charged him to conceal? 'tis so. MUS. I'faith, you have hit it: 'tis so indeed. LOR. SE. But how should he know thee to be my man? MUS. Nay, sir, I cannot tell; unless it were by the black art? is not your son a scholar, sir? LOR. SE. Yes; but I hope his soul is not allied To such a devilish practice: if it were, I had just cause to weep my part in him. And curse the time of his creation. But where didst thou find them, Portensio? MUS. Nay, sir, rather you should ask where they found me? for I'll be sworn I was going along in the street, thinking nothing, when (of a sudden) one calls, "Signior Lorenzo's man": another, he cries "soldier": and thus half a dozen of them, till they had got me within doors, where I no sooner came, but out flies their rapiers and all bent against my breast, they swore some two or three hundred oaths, and all to tell me I was but a dead man, if I did not confess where you were, and how I was employed, and about what; which, when they could not get out of me, (as God's my judge, they should have kill'd me first,) they lock'd me up into a room in the top of a house, where, by great miracle, (having a light heart) I slid down by a bottom of packthread into the street, and so scaped: but, master, thus much I can assure you, for I heard it while I was lock'd up: there were a great many merchants and rich citizens' wives with them at a banquet, and your son, Signior Lorenzo, has 'pointed one of them to meet anon at one Cob's house, a water-bearer's, that dwells by the wall: now there you shall be sure to take him: for fail he will not. LOR. SE. Nor will I fail to break this match, I doubt not; Well, go thou along with master Doctor's man, And stay there for me; at one Cob's house, say'st thou? [EXIT.] MUS. Ay, sir, there you shall have him: when can you tell? Much wench, or much son: 'sblood, when he has stay'd there three or four hours, travelling with the expectation of somewhat; and at the length be delivered of nothing: oh, the sport that I should then take to look on him if I durst; but now I mean to appear no more afore him in this shape: I have another trick to act yet; oh, that I were so happy as to light upon an ounce now of this Doctor's clerk: God save you, sir. PETO. I thank you, good sir. MUS. I have made you stay somewhat long, sir. PETO. Not a whit, sir, I pray you what, sir, do you mean? you have been lately in the wars, sir, it seems. MUS. Ay, marry have I, sir. PETO. Troth, sir, I would be glad to bestow a bottle of wine on you, if it please you to accept it. MUS. O Lord, sir. PETO. But to hear the manner of your services, and your devices in the wars, they say they be very strange, and not like those a man reads in the Roman histories. MUS. O God, no, sir, why, at any time when it please you, I shall be ready to discourse to you what I know: and more too somewhat. PETO. No better time than now, sir, we'll go to the Mermaid: there we shall have a cup of neat wine, I pray you, sir, let me request you. MUS. I'll follow you, sir, he is mine own, i'faith. [EXEUNT.] ENTER BOBADILLA, LORENZO JUN., MATHEO, STEPHANO. MAT. Signior, did you ever see the like clown of him where we were to-day: Signior Prospero's brother? I think the whole earth cannot shew his like, by Jesu. LOR. JU. We were now speaking of him, Signior Bobadillo tells me he is fallen foul of you too. MAT. Oh ay, sir, he threatened me with the bastinado. BOB. Ay, but I think I taught you a trick this morning for that. You shall kill him without all question, if you be so minded. MAT. Indeed, it is a most excellent trick. BOB. Oh, you do not give spirit enough to your motion; you are too dull, too tardy: oh, it must be done like lightning, hay! MAT. Oh, rare. BOB. Tut, 'tis nothing an't be not done in a — LOR. JU. Signior, did you never play with any of our masters here? MAT. Oh, good sir. BOB. Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous humour, there came three or four of them to me, at a gentleman's house, where it was my chance to be resident at that time, to intreat my presence at their schools, and withal so much importuned me, that (I protest to you as I am a gentleman) I was ashamed of their rude demeanour out of all measure: well, I told them that to come to a public school they should pardon me, it was opposite to my humour, but if so they would attend me at my lodging, I protested to do them what right or favour I could, as I was a gentleman, etc. LOR. JU. So sir, then you tried their skill. BOB. Alas, soon tried: you shall hear, sir, within two or three days after they came, and by Jesu, good Signior, believe me, I graced them exceedingly, shewed them some two or three tricks of prevention hath got them since admirable credit, they cannot deny this; and yet now they hate me, and why? because I am excellent, and for no other reason on the earth. LOR. JU. This is strange and vile as ever I heard. BOB. I will tell you, sir, upon my first coming to the city, they assaulted me some three, four, five, six of them together, as I have walk'd alone in divers places of the city; as upon the Exchange, at my lodging, and at my ordinary, where I have driven them afore me the whole length of a street, in the open view of all our gallants, pitying to hurt them, believe me; yet all this lenity will not depress their spleen; they will be doing with the pismire, raising a hill a man may spurn abroad with his foot at pleasure: by my soul, I could have slain them all, but I delight not in murder: I am loth to bear any other but a bastinado for them, and yet I hold it good policy not to go disarm'd, for though I be skilful, I may be suppressed with multitudes. LOR. JU. Ay, by Jesu, may you, sir, and (in my conceit) our whole nation should sustain the loss by it, if it were so. BOB. Alas, no: what's a peculiar man to a nation? not seen. LOR. JU. Ay, but your skill, sir. BOB. Indeed, that might be some loss, but who respects it? I will tell you, Signior, (in private) I am a gentleman, and live here obscure, and to myself; but were I known to the Duke (observe me) I would undertake (upon my head and life) for the public benefit of the state, not only to spare the entire lives of his subjects in general, but to save the one half, nay, three parts of his yearly charges, in holding wars generally against all his enemies; and how will I do it, think you? LOR. JU. Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive. BOB. Marry, thus, I would select nineteen more to myself, throughout the land, gentlemen they should be of good spirit; strong and able constitution, I would choose them by an instinct, a trick that I have, and I would teach these nineteen the special tricks, as your punto, your reverso, your stoccato, your imbroccato, your passado, your montanto, till they could all play very near or altogether as well as myself. This done, say the enemy were forty thousand strong: we twenty would come into the field the tenth of March, or thereabouts, and would challenge twenty of the enemy; they could not in their honour refuse the combat: well, we would kill them: challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them too; and thus would we kill every man his twenty a day, that's twenty score; twenty score, that's two hundred; two hundred a day, five days a thousand: forty thousand; forty times five, five times forty, two hundred days kills them all, by computation, and this will I venture my life to perform: provided there be no treason practised upon us. LOR. JU. Why, are you so sure of your hand at all times? BOB. Tut, never mistrust, upon my soul. LOR. JU. Mass, I would not stand in Signior Giuliano's state, then, an you meet him, for the wealth of Florence. BOB. Why Signior, by Jesu, if he were here now, I would not draw my weapon on him, let this gentleman do his mind, but I will bastinado him (by heaven) an ever I meet him. [ENTER GIULIANO AND GOES OUT AGAIN.] MAT. Faith, and I'll have a fling at him. LOR. JU. Look, yonder he goes, I think. GIU. 'Sblood, what luck have I, I cannot meet with these bragging rascals. BOB. It's not he: is it? LOR. JU. Yes, faith, it is he. MAT. I'll be hang'd then if that were he. LOR. JU. Before God, it was he: you make me swear. STEP. Upon my salvation, it was he. BOB. Well, had I thought it had been he, he could not have gone so, but I cannot be induced to believe it was he yet. [ENTER GIU.] GIU. Oh, gallant, have I found you? draw to your tools; draw, or by God's will I'll thrash you. BOB. Signior, hear me. GIU. Draw your weapons then. BOB. Signior, I never thought it till now: body of St. George, I have a warrant of the peace served on me even now, as I came along, by a water-bearer, this gentleman saw it, Signior Matheo. GIU. The peace! 'Sblood, you will not draw? [MATHEO RUNS AWAY. HE BEATS HIM AND DISARMS HIM.] LOR. JU. Hold, Signior, hold, under thy favour forbear. GIU. Prate again as you like this, you whoreson cowardly rascal, you'll control the point, you? your consort he is gone; had he staid he had shared with you, in faith. [EXIT GIULIANO.] BOB. Well, gentlemen, bear witness, I was bound to the peace, by Jesu. LOR. JU. Why, and though you were, sir, the law allows you to defend yourself; that's but a poor excuse. BOB. I cannot tell; I never sustained the like disgrace (by heaven); sure I was struck with a planet then, for I had no power to touch my weapon. [EXIT.] LOR. JU. Ay, like enough; I have heard of many that have been beaten under a planet; go, get you to the surgeon's, 'sblood, an these be your tricks, your passados, and your montantos, I'll none of them: O God, that this age should bring forth such creatures! come, cousin. STEP. Mass, I'll have this cloak. LOR. JU. God's will: it's Giuliano's. STEP. Nay, but 'tis mine now, another might have ta'en it up as well as I, I'll wear it, so I will. LOR. JU. How an he see it? he'll challenge it, assure yourself. STEP. Ay, but he shall not have it; I'll say I bought it. LOR. JU. Advise you, cousin, take heed he give not you as much. [EXEUNT.] ENTER THORELLO, PROSPERO, BIANCHA, HESPERIDA. THO. Now trust me, Prospero, you were much to blame, T' incense your brother and disturb the peace Of my poor house, for there be sentinels, That every minute watch to give alarms Of civil war, without adjection Of your assistance and occasion. PROS. No harm done, brother, I warrant you: since there is no harm done, anger costs a man nothing: and a tall man is never his own man till he be angry, to keep his valour in obscurity, is to keep himself as it were in a cloak-bag: what's a musician unless he play? what's a tall man unless he fight? for indeed, all this my brother stands upon absolutely, and that made me fall in with him so resolutely. BIA. Ay, but what harm might have come of it? PROS. Might? so might the good warm clothes your husband wears be poison'd for any thing he knows, or the wholesome wine he drunk even now at the table. THO. Now, God forbid: O me! now I remember, My wife drunk to me last; and changed the cup, And bade me wear this cursed suit to-day, See if God suffer murder undiscover'd! I feel me ill; give me some mithridate, Some mithridate and oil; good sister, fetch me, Oh, I am sick at heart: I burn, I burn; If you will save my life, go fetch it me. PROS. Oh, strange humour, my very breath hath poison'd him. HES. Good brother, be content, what do you mean? The strength of these extreme conceits will kill you. BIA. Beshrew your heart-blood, brother Prospero, For putting such a toy into his head. PROS. Is a fit simile a toy? will he be poison'd with a simile? Brother Thorello, what a strange and vain imagination is this? For shame be wiser, on my soul there's no such matter. THO. Am I not sick? how am I then not poison'd? Am I not poison'd? how am I then so sick? BIA. If you be sick, your own thoughts make you sick. PROS. His jealousy is the poison he hath taken. [ENTER MUSCO LIKE THE DOCTOR'S MAN.] MUS. Signior Thorello, my master, Doctor Clement, salutes you, and desires to speak with you, with all speed possible. THO. No time but now? Well, I'll wait upon his worship, Piso, Cob, I'll seek them out, and set them sentinels till I return. Piso, Cob, Piso. [EXIT.] PROS. Musco, this is rare, but how got'st thou this apparel of the Doctor's man? MUS. Marry sir. My youth would needs bestow the wine on me to hear some martial discourse; where I so marshall'd him, that I made him monstrous drunk, and because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I stript him stark naked as he lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit to deliver this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armour and an old brown bill to watch him till my return: which shall be when I have pawn'd his apparel, and spent the money perhaps. PROS. Well, thou art a mad knave, Musco, his absence will be a good subject for more mirth: I pray thee return to thy young master Lorenzo, and will him to meet me and Hesperida at the Friary presently: for here, tell him, the house is so stored with jealousy, that there is no room for love to stand upright in: but I'll use such means she shall come thither, and that I think will meet best with his desires: Hie thee, good Musco. MUS. I go, sir. [EXIT.] [ENTER THORELLO, TO HIM PISO.] THO. Ho, Piso, Cob, where are these villains, trow? Oh, art thou there? Piso, hark thee here: Mark what I say to thee, I must go forth; Be careful of thy promise, keep good watch, Note every gallant and observe him well, That enters in my absence to thy mistress; If she would shew him rooms, the jest is stale, Follow them, Piso, or else hang on him, And let him not go after, mark their looks; Note if she offer but to see his band, Or any other amorous toy about him, But praise his leg, or foot, or if she say, The day is hot, and bid him feel her hand, How hot it is, oh, that's a monstrous thing: Note me all this, sweet Piso; mark their sighs, And if they do but whisper, break them off, I'll bear thee out in it: wilt thou do this? Wilt thou be true, sweet Piso? PIS. Most true, sir. THO. Thanks, gentle Piso: where is Cob? now: Cob? [EXIT THORELLO.] BIA. He's ever calling for Cob, I wonder how he employs Cob so. PROS. Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob is a necessary question for you that are his wife, and a thing not very easy for you to be satisfied in: but this I'll assure you, Cob's wife is an excellent bawd indeed, and oftentimes your husband haunts her house, marry, to what end I cannot altogether accuse him, imagine you what you think convenient: but I have known fair hides have foul hearts ere now, I can tell you. BIA. Never said you truer than that, brother! Piso, fetch your cloke, and go with me, I'll after him presently: I would to Christ I could take him there, i'faith. [EXEUNT PISO AND BIANCHA.] PROS. So let them go: this may make sport anon, now, my fair sister Hesperida: ah, that you knew how happy a thing it were to be fair and beautiful! HES. That toucheth not me, brother. PROS. That's true: that's even the fault of it, for indeed beauty stands a woman in no stead, unless it procure her touching: but, sister, whether it touch you or no, it touches your beauties, and I am sure they will abide the touch, as they do not, a plague of all ceruse, say I! and it touches me too in part, though not in thee. Well, there's a dear and respected friend of mine, sister, stands very strongly affected towards you, and hath vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal in his heart, in honour of your perfections. I have already engaged my promise to bring you where you shall hear him confirm much more than I am able to lay down for him: Signior Lorenzo is the man: what say you, sister; shall I intreat so much favour of you for my friend, as to direct and attend you to his meeting? upon my soul, he loves you extremely, approve it, sweet Hesperida, will you? HES. Faith, I had very little confidence in mine own constancy, if I durst not meet a man: but, brother Prospero, this motion of yours savours of an old knight adventurer's servant, methinks. PROS. What's that, sister? HES. Marry, of the squire. PROS. No matter, Hesperida, if it did, I would be such an one for my friend, but say, will you go? HES. Brother, I will, and bless my happy stars. [ENTER CLEMENT AND THORELLO.] CLEM. Why, what villainy is this? my man gone on a false message, and run away when he has done, why, what trick is there in it, trow! 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. THO. How! is my wife gone forth, where is she, sister! HES. She's gone abroad with Piso. THO. Abroad with Piso? Oh, that villain dors me, He hath discovered all unto my wife, Beast that I was to trust him: whither went she? HES. I know not, sir. PROS. I'll tell you, brother, whither I suspect she's gone. THO. Whither, for God's sake! PROS. To Cob's house, I believe: but keep my counsel. THO. I will, I will, to Cob's house! doth she haunt Cob's? She's gone a purpose now to cuckold me, With that lewd rascal, who to win her favour, Hath told her all. [EXIT.] CLEM. But did your mistress see my man bring him a message? PROS. That we did, master Doctor. CLEM. And whither went the knave? PROS. To the tavern, I think, sir. CLEM. What, did Thorello give him any thing to spend for the message he brought him? if he did I should commend my man's wit exceedingly if he would make himself drunk with the joy of it, farewell, lady, keep good rule, you two, I beseech you now: by God's —; marry, my man makes me laugh. [EXIT.] PROS. What a mad doctor is this! come, sister, let's away. [EXEUNT.] [ENTER MATHEO AND BOBADILLA.] MAT. I wonder, Signior, what they will say of my going away, ha? BOB. Why, what should they say? but as of a discreet gentleman. Quick, wary, respectful of natures, Fair lineaments, and that's all. MAT. Why so, but what can they say of your beating? BOB. A rude part, a touch with soft wood, a kind of gross battery used, laid on strongly: borne most patiently, and that's all. MAT. Ay, but would any man have offered it in Venice? BOB. Tut, I assure you no: you shall have there your Nobilis, your Gentilezza, come in bravely upon your reverse, stand you close, stand you firm, stand you fair, save your retricato with his left leg, come to the assaulto with the right, thrust with brave steel, defy your base wood. But wherefore do I awake this remembrance? I was bewitch'd, by Jesu: but I will be revenged. MAT. Do you hear, is't not best to get a warrant and have him arrested, and brought before Doctor Clement? BOB. It were not amiss, would we had it. [ENTER MUSCO.] MAT. Why, here comes his man, let's speak to him. BOB. Agreed, do you speak. MAT. God save you, sir. MUS. With all my heart, sir. MAT. Sir, there is one Giuliano hath abused this gentleman and me, and we determine to make our amends by law, now if you would do us the favour to procure us a warrant, for his arrest, of your master, you shall be well considered, I assure i'faith, sir. MUS. Sir, you know my service is my living, such favours as these gotten of my master is his only preferment, and therefore you must consider me as I may make benefit of my place. MAT. How is that? MUS. Faith, sir, the thing is extraordinary, and the gentleman may be of great account: yet be what he will, if you will lay me down five crowns in my hand, you shall have it, otherwise not. MAT. How shall we do, Signior? you have no money. BOB. Not a cross, by Jesu. MAT. Nor I, before God, but two pence, left of my two shillings in the morning for wine and cakes, let's give him some pawn. BOB. Pawn? we have none to the value of his demand. MAT. O Lord, man, I'll pawn this jewel in my ear, and you may pawn your silk stockings, and pull up your boots, they will ne'er be mist. BOB. Well, an there be no remedy, I'll step aside and put them off. MAT. Do you hear, sir? we have no store of money at this time, but you shall have good pawns, look you, sir, this jewel and this gentleman's silk stockings, because we would have it dispatch'd ere we went to our chambers. MUS. I am content, sir, I will get you the warrant presently. What's his name, say you, Giuliano? MAT. Ay, ay, Giuliano. MUS. What manner of man is he? MAT. A tall, big man, sir; he goes in a cloak most commonly of silk russet, laid about with russet lace. MUS. 'Tis very good, sir. MAT. Here, sir, here's my jewel. BOB. And here are stockings. MUS. Well, gentlemen, I'll procure this warrant presently, and appoint you a varlet of the city to serve it, if you'll be upon the Realto anon, the varlet shall meet you there. MAT. Very good, sir, I wish no better. [EXEUNT BOBA. AND MAT.] MUS. This is rare, now will I go pawn this cloak of the doctor's man's at the broker's for a varlet's suit, and be the varlet myself, and get either more pawns, or more money of Giuliano for my arrest. [EXIT.]
All books are sourced from Project Gutenberg