Mark Twain's Speeches

LOTOS CLUB DINNER IN HONOR OF MARK TWAIN

          ADDRESS AT THE FIRST FORMAL DINNER IN THE NEW CLUB-HOUSE,
          NOVEMBER 11, 1893

          In introducing the guest of the evening, Mr. Lawrence said:

          “To-night the old faces appear once more amid new surroundings.
          The place where last we met about the table has vanished, and
          to-night we have our first Lotos dinner in a home that is all
          our own.  It is peculiarly fitting that the board should now be
          spread in honor of one who has been a member of the club for
          full a score of years, and it is a happy augury for the future
          that our fellow-member whom we assemble to greet should be the
          bearer of a most distinguished name in the world of letters;
          for the Lotos Club is ever at its best when paying homage to
          genius in literature or in art.  Is there a civilized being who
          has not heard the name of Mark Twain?  We knew him long years
          ago, before he came out of the boundless West, brimful of wit
          and eloquence, with no reverence for anything, and went abroad
          to educate the untutored European in the subtleties of the
          American joke.  The world has looked on and applauded while he
          has broken many images.  He has led us in imagination all over
          the globe.  With him as our guide we have traversed alike the
          Mississippi and the Sea of Galilee.  At his bidding we have
          laughed at a thousand absurdities.  By a laborious process of
          reasoning he has convinced us that the Egyptian mummies are
          actually dead.  He has held us spellbound upon the plain at the
          foot of the great Sphinx, and we have joined him in weeping
          bitter tears at the tomb of Adam.  To-night we greet him in the
          flesh.  What name is there in literature that can be likened to
          his?  Perhaps some of the distinguished gentlemen about this
          table can tell us, but I know of none.  Himself his only
          parallel!”
 

MR. PRESIDENT, GENTLEMEN, AND FELLOW-MEMBERS OF THE LOTOS CLUB,—I have seldom in my lifetime listened to compliments so felicitously phrased or so well deserved. I return thanks for them from a full heart and an appreciative spirit, and I will say this in self-defence: While I am charged with having no reverence for anything, I wish to say that I have reverence for the man who can utter such truths, and I also have a deep reverence and a sincere one for a club that can do such justice to me. To be the chief guest of such a club is something to be envied, and if I read your countenances rightly I am envied. I am glad to see this club in such palatial quarters. I remember it twenty years ago when it was housed in a stable.

Now when I was studying for the ministry there were two or three things that struck my attention particularly. At the first banquet mentioned in history that other prodigal son who came back from his travels was invited to stand up and have his say. They were all there, his brethren, David and Goliath, and—er, and if he had had such experience as I have had he would have waited until those other people got through talking. He got up and testified to all his failings. Now if he had waited before telling all about his riotous living until the others had spoken he might not have given himself away as he did, and I think that I would give myself away if I should go on. I think I’d better wait until the others hand in their testimony; then if it is necessary for me to make an explanation, I will get up and explain, and if I cannot do that, I’ll deny it happened.

          Later in the evening Mr. Clemens made another speech, replying
          to a fire of short speeches by Charles Dudley Warner, Charles
          A. Dana, Seth Low, General Porter, and many others, each
          welcoming the guest of honor.

I don’t see that I have a great deal to explain. I got off very well, considering the opportunities that these other fellows had. I don’t see that Mr. Low said anything against me, and neither did Mr. Dana. However, I will say that I never heard so many lies told in one evening as were told by Mr. McKelway—and I consider myself very capable; but even in his case, when he got through, I was gratified by finding how much he hadn’t found out. By accident he missed the very things that I didn’t want to have said, and now, gentlemen, about Americanism.

I have been on the continent of Europe for two and a half years. I have met many Americans there, some sojourning for a short time only, others making protracted stays, and it has been very gratifying to me to find that nearly all preserved their Americanism. I have found they all like to see the Flag fly, and that their hearts rise when they see the Stars and Stripes. I met only one lady who had forgotten the land of her birth and glorified monarchical institutions.

I think it is a great thing to say that in two and a half years I met only one person who had fallen a victim to the shams—I think we may call them shams—of nobilities and of heredities. She was entirely lost in them. After I had listened to her for a long time, I said to her: “At least you must admit that we have one merit. We are not like the Chinese, who refuse to allow their citizens who are tired of the country to leave it. Thank God, we don’t!”